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Don’t let the shin guard and cleats mafia scare you into believing soccer is everything.
FIFA may’ve gifted our president a Peace Prize before it takes over our entire shared continent for this year’s World Cup (11 cities in the US alone!). But if we’re being honest, America will always prefer sports that are pro-hand.
Probably because we ourselves are such a handful. High five!
So while “association football” will be kickin’ it all over North America in short order, you can still pack up your best althleisure and give these dexterous sports resorts a fair shake. Call it a palm spring.
WHAT A RACKET, Los Angeles
Tennis the menace wouldn’t begin to describe the Montrose at Beverly Hills‘ rooftop tennis/pickleball scene with all of those fuzzy green Dunlops bombing the West Hollywood streets below.
By the grace of god, they have 10- to 12-foot fencing surrounding the courts to prevent that sort of carnage. There’s also a bar up there; crisis averted (from $299 per night).
Not sure if the Springboard Hospitality brand behind it is just trying to lure in Gen-X fans of ’90s-era Fox nighttime soaps, but its sister property, Le Parc at Melrose, sports the same roofer madness (from $299 per night).
LET IT SLIDE, Phoenix
You don’t automatically think of water-sliding as a hand sport — but just look at your fingers after arising from a landing pool, pruned as raisins. This hydraulic haven is in sweltering Arizona, where it needs it most. JW Marriott Phoenix Desert Ridge Resort & Spa‘s new $80 million property glow-up is now home to the 140,000-square-foot AquaRidge WaterPark.
All the basic are here: pools, waterfalls, a grove. But let’s talk slides. They have three. The first, sounding like a character out of “Hamnet” — Gullywasher — is “the only dual-person vertical wall tube slide at a resort west of the Mississippi.”
The other two, the Drop and Little Eddy, are fine playing second- and third-fiddle. But breathe easy: There is also an adults-only part of the park with Jacuzzis, fire pits and VIP service called Sky Island. It’s an oasis most welcome no matter whichever side of the Mississip’ you’re from (spring rates start at $608 per night; in summer it drops to $318).
GOTTA STAY FLY, Montana
The art of fly fishing isn’t in the catching — it’s in the number of sudsy aluminum and glass recyclables you can empty while you fail. What also helps ease the pain of a lonely lure is taking in the majestic 2,000 acres of meadows, forest and mountains of the all-inclusive Meadows on Rock Creek ranch, just outside historic Philipsburg, Mont.
Its 1.8 miles of pristine river is a designated Blue Ribbon fishery and filled to the gills with Big Sky country’s native Westslope cutthroat trout. Go it yourself or with a property pro (rods, waders and boots are provided). You can even hire a guided fishing boat from Memorial Day through June 30 for $645/day.
As for fibbing about your haul back at Hideaway Lodge, its communal grub-and-grog spot? That’s free (all-inclusive rates start from $2,400 per night with a two-night minimum).
If you’re looking for something more fleur-de-lis-tattooed, there’s a Relais & Châteaux member just a circuitous three-hour drive away in the fellow Treasure Stater city of Darby. Triple Creek Ranch, in the remote Bitterroot Range of the Rockies, offers guided fly-fishing tours throughout the year (one such special Triple the Rivers three-day special was asking $1,200/pp earlier this month). If you’re all reeled out, Triple Creek also offers horseback riding, shooting, archery and ATV larks. Catch cabin fever in all-inclusive, one-, two- or three-bedroom flavors (starting from $1,700 per night).
ROCKIN’ ROLL, New Jersey
New Yorkers like to throw the word “tunnel” in the face of Jerseyites as a slur. But in northwestern part of the Garden State, one such underground conduit leads from a classy hotel to an even classier ballroom where people stride with pride.
And by ballroom we mean bowling alley.
The Asbury Hotel-linked Asbury Lanes even boasts live bands, DJs and a throw-back diner. No communal shoes required unless you actually want to bowl — and you will (stays from $350 per night; bowling is $10/pp per game).
SWINGER’S CLUB, Bicoastal
Sometimes letting your boss win at 18 holes of golf just won’t cut it. Luckily, SoCal’s Temecula Creek Inn, located in the southwestern slice of the Inland Empire, is coming in hot with 27 holes spread over three courses: Creek, Oaks and Stone House. Those myriad mulligans and otherwise penciled-in cheats on your CEO’s scorecard? Sheesh, that promotion is as good as yours (from $185 per night).
If you’re too embarrassed to be a putting potato in the outside world, there’s a brand-new, booze-serving golf simulator station known as the Fairway at the ritzy InterContinental Boston, only 2,994 miles away, but who’s counting. Even if you can’t make par, there’s always the bar (from $369 per night).
ALL THE HOOP-LA, Orlando
All you rim-benders, and-oners, backboard-shatterers and net-cutters — the court is yours at the two-tower, lakeside Westgate Palace Hotel on Orlando’s International Drive. Behind tower A, it’s open 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., so you can dunk on all those furries employed by the nearby you-know-who theme parks on their lunch break till your heart’s content.
The hotel also offers onsite volleyball and horseshoe spaces to hide away from the kids for a bit (from $250).
