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The question of whether men and women can remain “just friends” drew fresh attention when Jenny McCarthy and her husband, Donnie Wahlberg, recently bantered on her podcast about whether having an attractive male friend crosses a line.
Attraction alone doesn’t necessarily threaten a friendship, according to Susan Trombetti, relationship expert and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking in Maryland.
However, unspoken feelings and growing emotional intimacy can blur boundaries, she told Fox News Digital.
“I think we can be friends with hot people … but a lot of times, I believe that friendship started with a sexual interest or romantic interest, and the timing wasn’t right or the other person wasn’t interested in them.”
Some people may maintain friendships while leaving open the possibility of a future romantic relationship, Trombetti said.
“I don’t think women and men can ever truly be friends,” she told Fox News Digital. “I think it was always a sexual undertone that sparked the friendship and a foot-in-the-door for something more, [even if] it’s 20 years from now.”
Trombetti said recognizing that someone is handsome doesn’t necessarily lead to feeling chemistry with that person — and finding a friend attractive does not, on its own, constitute infidelity.
The problem, she said, is when harmless awareness turns into an emotional affair. “The line between attraction with a friend and an emotional affair is a slippery slope, especially if you have a partner,” the expert cautioned.
The following red flags could signal that a friendship is crossing into an emotional affair, according to Trombetti.
- Prioritizing the friend over a partner: This could mean turning to the friend first to share daily victories, disappointments, personal insecurities or long-term dreams.
- Creating an insular universe: Friends may build private jokes, share secret routines and communicate in channels that deliberately exclude significant others.
- Secrecy and deception: Examples include hiding interactions, deleting text chains or downplaying how much time is spent together.
- Unwarranted jealousy: Signs may include frustration when the friend dates someone else or criticism of their romantic partners.
- Outside suspicion: Friends and family may assume the pair are an undercover couple despite protests to the contrary.
Trombetti pointed back to the movie “When Harry Met Sally” to illustrate how emotional intimacy can sometimes be more important than instant physical chemistry.
“Long before they sleep together, they definitely are having an emotional affair, even though they don’t recognize it as such,” she said. “They are sharing everything. Emotional intimacy turns into long-term relationships.”
For those determined to maintain a platonic relationship with an attractive counterpart, Trombetti recommended setting some guardrails: Refrain from flirtatious banter, avoid physical touch, refuse to stoke sexual chemistry, limit late-night texting and ensure full transparency with an existing romantic partner.
If one person develops romantic feelings that the other doesn’t share, the friendship may continue if both are single and respect clear boundaries, Trombetti said.
For people already in committed partnerships, unreciprocated feelings almost always require stepping away to protect the relationship.
When an existing partner expresses jealousy, Trombetti advised examining the root cause before issuing blame.
“Are they jealous or are you making them jealous?” she asked, noting that erratic partner anxiety often stems from a lack of emotional reassurance and priority.
However, if a friendship respects clear boundaries and a partner still responds with controlling behavior, that jealousy could signal a problem within the relationship, she cautioned.
