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DEAR ABBY: My mom and my wonderful canine companion passed away within six months. My husband has battled addiction for years. I discovered the extent of it after I had two small children and was ending our marriage. He went to AA, sobered up and was wonderful for the next 10 years. During that time, we had two more children.
We sacrificed enormously to give them everything, including college educations. Now my children rarely speak to me, and one won’t speak to me at all because of politics. My spouse has returned to his addiction. Grief over losing my two best friends has overwhelmed me. Although I am terribly lonely, I suffer terrible social anxiety due to a traumatic incident in my teens.
Six months ago, I moved into my mother’s home, which is jointly owned by surviving siblings. I love being alone. I keep myself busy, and I am enjoying the most peace I have ever had in my life. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and have had years of therapy. I don’t work. My spouse gives me an allowance, but living apart has resulted in my being in debt.
I just want to be left alone, but my spouse controls the purse strings. He doesn’t mind the separation because it allows him to continue his addiction. Everything I pursued in my life — marriage, career, family — has amounted to nothing. At 62, I’m tired of trying. I take medicine. My internist knows of the trauma I suffered and is good at staying on top of my mental health. Is my desire to be alone with my pets and limited social interaction OK? — UNSETTLED IN TEXAS
DEAR UNSETTLED: You state that you and your husband are separated, and that he controls the purse strings. It’s time to talk with a family law attorney about what your financial picture would look like if you were to divorce. I wouldn’t want to live alone at 62, but if that’s the lifestyle you prefer, I won’t judge.
DEAR ABBY: My wife’s family holds gatherings several times a year for various holidays. I’m always invited and warmly welcomed. Over the last 30 years, their family has grown, with many grandchildren and now great-grandchildren. We always arrive before the scheduled noon meal to chat and socialize.
The patriarch is known for being eager to eat at the appointed time, but for the past three or four years, the matriarch has insisted no one begin eating until the final guest arrives — often 30 minutes to an hour late. As a guest, I’d never bring this up, not even to my wife, but I’m curious about your thoughts: Is it good manners to make those who arrive on time wait for those who can’t seem to? — FAMISHED FAMILY
DEAR FAMISHED: No, it is not. The host should make every effort to begin the meal at the time mentioned in the invitation. Even so, latecomers should not be made to feel guilty; the in-progress meal will convey the message louder than words. The host should simply extend a warm welcome and a plate before returning to the more respectful guests.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
