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DEAR ABBY: My father passed away three months ago, leaving my mom alone for the first time in her life. She lives nearby, so my wife and I have been doing what we can. We have her over several times a week, and we visit and call to check in often.
Mom is having a hard time and sometimes forgets to eat or get dressed if we don’t remind her. There has been a lot of legal stuff to do following Dad’s death, decisions she’s not up for, so we’re doing that, too. I’m trying to get her professional help (counseling and help at home), but there are waiting lists, and it’s going to take time. I’m also mourning Dad, and it’s been a lot.
What I’d really like is for my brothers to step up. One lives in the next town. The other is only a couple of hours away. Neither one has been to see Mom since the funeral, and it doesn’t sound like they’ve been calling her often.
I’m the oldest, and they are used to me taking care of things, but this is more than I can handle alone. I have told them that directly. They both say they want to help, but then they don’t. I have tried giving them specific tasks (for example, to call Mom in the morning before 10 on a certain day), and they agree but then don’t follow through. We usually get along.
They are both successful people with good jobs and families, so I don’t understand why they are slacking here. I think they’re just used to Mom being the caretaker and can’t see that the roles are reversed now even though we’re all in our 40s and no longer little boys. How do I get them to start shouldering their share of the responsibility here? — IN CHARGE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR IN CHARGE: Because your brothers cannot be trusted to step up and give your mother more time, there is another way they can take some of the responsibility off your shoulders. They can offer money in lieu of time. Each could chip in so that their mother has a caregiver or companion to help her with the household chores. They should also contribute toward grief or psychological counseling until she is stronger. If you suggest all of that, you may find they magically begin calling Mom more often!
DEAR ABBY: I am at my wits’ end. I support myself and my boyfriend of 14 years. I have no extra money to support anyone else. My boyfriend’s mother, who is our neighbor, treats him like a dog and always has. She constantly asks him for stuff. He gives her things that I have worked for — cigarettes, soft drinks, food, etc. It all adds up, and I can’t do it anymore. Please give me any advice that you have. — TIRED
DEAR TIRED: You have learned the hard way that your boyfriend and his mom are a package deal, and they are both deadbeats. Get out of there and stop letting them use you. Find a place of your own, block his calls, and experience the satisfaction of living on your own. Once you’ve done that, I’m sure you can find yourself a much better man — or you may decide you don’t need one.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
