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DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for 10 months. He was married for 45 years until his wife died after a five-year illness. He is kind, thoughtful, smart, generous, and romantic. Our relationship is exclusive, and things could hardly be better.
Recently, he and one of his grown daughters and her family gathered for dinner to commemorate his wedding anniversary. I thought it was a little strange. She has been gone for two years, and I found myself feeling somewhat hurt. I wasn’t invited to the dinner, which doesn’t bother me, but I can’t escape the feeling that, on some level, he still feels married. Accordingly, I feel as though I’m dating a married man, which I would never do.
As we are not able to easily work through this, he suggested I write you and get your take. Am I being unreasonable and reading too much into this? Is it possible that he is not yet ready for a new relationship? Should I request (or insist) that he refrain from such “celebrations” in the future? — NOT A CHEATER IN INDIANA
DEAR NOT A CHEATER: Your gentleman friend had nearly 50 years of history with his late wife. If he and their adult children chose to celebrate the anniversary of their marriage, it was no skin off your nose and you shouldn’t have taken it so personally.
If the two of you were to marry, one would hope he and his family would celebrate the present and the future. Even if they didn’t, if you love this man and want to be accepted by his family, you would be foolish to insist he stop something they find comforting. It wouldn’t go down well. Trust me on that.
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DEAR ABBY: I am in a relationship with a much younger man. We are both adults and love each other. There’s no doubt that we want to be together and enjoy our lives together. But his family keeps trying to get him to leave me, despite his explaining to them that he’s happy and this works for us.
All of this makes me uncomfortable when the family gets together, but I go to support him, and he wants me there. They love him but they don’t give him support when he needs it. I have been there for him through his toughest times. How do I get them to understand? — OLDER WOMAN IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR OLDER: It is not your responsibility to convince your boyfriend’s family of anything. He should tell his family that he doesn’t want to discuss the subject when they bring it up. He should also refrain from sharing it with you.
With time, his relatives will realize that your relationship is a lasting one. If, however, they deliberately make you uncomfortable when you have to see them, limit the amount of time you spend in their presence.
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DEAR READERS: Happy Father’s Day to fathers everywhere — birth fathers, stepfathers, adoptive and foster fathers, grandfathers, and all of you caring men who mentor children and fill the role of absent dads.
P.S. Also, a big shoutout to dual-role moms. I applaud you all — today and every day. — LOVE, ABBY
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
