Weather 
National Bagel Day arrives on January 15, and as we are all imperfect circles harboring unfilled emotional holes, there is perhaps no greater metaphor for the human condition than the humble bagel.
According to Maria Balinska, author of “The Bagel: The Surprising History of a Modest Bread,” the origin of the bagel is hard to pinpoint, as round bread has a place in many cultures. But the first written record of the bagel dates to Krakow, Poland, in the year of our yeast 1610.
Community regulations decreed that bagels were to be gifted to women after childbirth because, let’s face it, bread beats a robe and an episiotomy scar any day, folks. Just as challah is baked and consumed during Rosh Hashanah in the hope of a full year to come, the birth bagel symbolizes a healthy delivery and a long life ahead.
In addition to bringing babies forth, the shape of the humble bagel led some Medieval consumers to believe they contained magical powers, a credence shared by me and anyone else who has ever eaten a bagel breakfast sandwich while nursing a violent whiskey hangover.
As we are all imperfect circles harboring unfillable emotional holes, there is perhaps no greater metaphor for the human condition than the humble bagel.
Americans owe their love of the hallowed bagel to Jewish immigrants who brought the bread to the continent at the turn of the twentieth century. This community went on to form the famed Bagel Bakers Local 338.
This trade union established production standards and fair wages for the workmen who boiled, handcrafted, and faithfully baked bagels in New York City. 338 controlled the bagel market for decades until the advent, and some would argue the assault of machine-made bagels in the 1960s.
Today, bagels are made and sold in varying degrees of quality, fresh and frozen around the world. The fuel of the people, the bagel is a beloved morning (and hangover) staple available in myriad flavors, and because there is an ice cream, a dessert, a cookie, and a Halloween candy for each zodiac sign, god***n it so too is there a bagel varietal.
Read on and schmear lavishly.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Garlic bagel
Garlic is associated with Mars, the Roman god of war and the planetary ruler of Aries.
Like the fire-breathing first sign in the zodiac, garlic is unconcerned with being offensive.
Aries folk routinely and gleefully burn roadblocks and bridges, while garlic is known to burn through a stuffy nose and a sluggish digestive system.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Asiago bagel
There’s a fine line and a few belt notches between glutton and gourmand, and Taurus habitually pushes both. So, too, does the gilded lily, cheese on carb marriage of asiago cheese and plain bagel.
Add a quarter inch of cream cheese to the mix, or slice as it were, and you have the ‘more is more’ bagel embodiment of the Taurus spirit.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Cinnamon raisin bagel
Gemini and Libra tie for the most indecisive sign in the zodiac, and the cinnamon raisin bagel makes it so you don’t have to choose between sweet and savory.
This is a polarizing flavor, and so too is Gemini a polarizing sign. Not for everyone, but just right for some.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Blueberry bagel
Cancer is the blueberry bagel of the zodiac, as they’re the sign considerate enough to go last when picking their pastry from the office breakfast pile.
This leaves them righteous and resentful, with only the lonely blueberry bagel for company and the disappointing knowledge that no one cares about their feelings.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Pizza bagel bites
Ruling the fifth house of creativity and revelry, Leo is a party in a box, and so too is the marketing sentiment of the bagel bite, which may or may not contain real cheese.
A bastardization of the arts of both bagel and pizza, this snack speaks to the inner child that Leo never stops appealing to.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Pumpernickel bagel
Virgo rules the sixth house of bodily health, daily routines, and the digestive system. These people are to varying degrees neurotic or fanatical about their health, eating dirt for undiluted iron, and seeking out pure artesian wells when traveling.
Enter the pumpernickel bagel: made with rye flour and sourdough starter, pumpernickel contains fewer carbohydrates and more fiber than its denser, darker counterparts.
Virgos believe they are better than their competition, and this bagel actually is.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Plain bagel
Libra is the sign of partnership, defined by who and what it interacts with or is activated by.
Wildly popular if a bit uninspired, the plain bagel is much like the average Libra a perfect canvas on which to project ideas, blame, international policy, lox, egg or flavored cream cheese.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Poppy-seed bagel
If Scorpio were an illicit drug, it would for sure be dark, sticky, sweet-smelling, den-dwelling, dragon-chasing opium.
In-kind, the poppy seed bagel, which often contains enough opiate residue to make you piss hot on a drug test, is the closest these carbohydrate contenders come to real deal junk.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Sesame bagel
Much like the sesame seed bagel, Sagittarius folk are vaguely nutty with a vibe that recalls long-distance travel. The seeds are prone to stick in the teeth, which, fortunately for archers (and those that consort with them) renders them unable to shoot off at the mouth.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Salt bagel
Salt bagels are consistently ranked as the least popular, making them, as a consequence, the rarest.
Along these same lines, Capricorn is the rarest zodiac sign, and natives don’t give a single f**k about winning a popularity contest.
They are here for power, and any history geek worth their weight in, you guessed it, salt can tell you empires have long been made and unmade by the price and properties of salt.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Rainbow bagel
A marriage of tradition and innovation, interesting if not appetizing, and boasting a cult following, the infamous rainbow bagel is absolutely in line with Aquarius energy.
Ever the inventor and never the follower, the OG psychedelic starch monsters at NYC’s The Bagel Store launched a legion of imitators before closing due to some combination of tax fraud and health issues.
Gone but not forgotten.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Everything bagel
Pisces is the last sign in the zodiac and, as such, represents the accumulated energy of all the signs that came before it.
Pisces is my pick for everything based on its presence in the seminal 2022 film “Everything Everywhere All at Once,” wherein the supervillainess explains,
“I got bored one day, then I put everything in a bagel… everything. All my hopes and dreams, my old report cards, every breed of dog, every personal ad on Craigslist, sesame, poppy seed, salt, and it collapsed in on itself. ‘Cause you see, when you really put everything on a bagel, it becomes this… the truth….nothing matters.”
Nihilistic noshing? Very, very Pisces.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
