Weather 
Long before it became love language between those bunking up in the biblical sense, “boo” was used to frighten the kiddos. But with all of this war, pestilence, homicidal rogue AI … one might suppose callous gen Zers — up through the Betans, even — just don’t frighten that easy anymore come Oct. 31.
Hmmm, we’ll see about that.
If you want to scare those little scamps (or yourself) this Halloween, here are six spook-maxxing haunted haunts around the US guaranteed to goosebump even the steeliest of skins, Bay Area Bushman-style.
Las Vegas
What happens in Raccoon City, stays in Raccoon City. Capcom’s famed horror video game (turned movie) franchise “Resident Evil” has overtaken Universal Horror Unleashed inside its 110,000-square-foot Area15 space in Sin City, conveniently next to the Machine Gun Vegas shooting range.
It’s basically a dark and (pseudo)radioactively glowy haunted escape room packed with puzzles, easter eggs (umbrellas, especially, given the evil virus-making Corporation’s namesake) and awesome curdling-of-the-blood “infected undead” and easy-on-the-eyes, pony-tailed “police officer” cosplayers. No touching! Either way!
Also, there are multiple bars, one with RE-themed Jell-O shots served out of syringes, thanks to F&B executive Ryan Casarez and served up by friendly enablers like bartendress Miel. Sadly, you have to boogie down now — it closes Sept. 27 (the venue’s other “Scarecrow,” “Texas Chainsaw,” “Exorcist” and “Monsters” haunted houses will, irony intended, live on year-round). Your move, “Silent Hill!”
Ding, dong: From $169
San Antonio
If you really want to spook the locals, just sport a Jalen Brunson Knicks jersey!
Oh we kid the San Antonians — but they no-joke it when it comes to Halloween. Especially Robert James Anthony and his RJA Ghost Tours around this unusually Germanic slice of Texas (which adds even more oomph to the geisty-ness).
He’ll arm you with a Dollar Tree-grade “Ghostbusters” neutrona wand and a heavily alcoholic drink (“if you dare” and are of age) as you walk around one of America’s most-haunted cities while you hit erstwhile gory stops where this red state got redder, like the Sheraton Gunter Hotel, the site of a notorious 1965 murder.
According to legend, Walter Emerick allegedly killed an unidentified blonde gal in Room 636, where a maid later discovered blood-soaked sheets and Emerick himself. No body was ever found, and Emerick fled and unalived himself. The case remains unsolved, yay! You’re gonna need that drink.
Ding, dong: From $25
Florida
He’s not exactly what the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse will ride in on, nor the Night King’s ossified four-hooved whip in “GOT” lore.
But there is, seemingly, an immortal equine at Westgate River Ranch, a 1,700-acre luxury outdoor-focused resort located along the Kissimmee River in Central Florida. Think of him more in “My Little Pony” terms … since that’s what he is, a 31-year-old, 250-pound gray miniature pony named Headley, well beyond the average lifespan Dr. Chad GPT likes to believe (25).
And his surroundings include the saddle graveyard where literal saddles of retired cowboys and horses are placed on the limbs of Spanish moss-draped oak trees (and tend to drop from time to time, who knows why).
The bad news is you have to fly into Orlando to get here; the good news is you’ll not be staying there: waterpark-, archery and gun range-, rodeo-, restaurant- and general store-sporting Westgate is about an hour’s drive south.
The timing couldn’t be better: Sept. 25 through Nov. 7, the “Haunting of River Ranch” is a go, where spirits stampede its myriad stalls and other chills await. Keep your eyes peeled for local legend Kicco — one of the ranch’s bulls shish-kabbobbed this infamous rodeo clown with its horns (deservedly so, surely, if you’ve ever met one) and he was resurrected due to some misguided voodoo.
Ding, dong: From $15, Fridays and Saturdays
Staten Island
The boo-tang clan ain’t nothin’ to mess with. On All Hallows’ Eve, the isle that is Staten has become NYC’s unofficial capital of creepy — which is saying a lot — and Staten Island Haunted Houses is your main vein for getting proper heart palpitations.
With 80-plus haunted displays and attractions, there’s something for everyone, from Trunk or Treats and fall festivals to haunted restaurants and elaborate ‘hood hijinks. Among the shreek-worthy showstoppers: Twisted Trails, a Nationwide-Frightmaps Haunt-of-the-Year winner, plus the famed Huguenot Nightmare Factory, the Darlington Scare, Haunting on Heenan and Edgegrove Villains Cemetery.
Snag the kids. Snag your guts. Snag a Wu-Tang C.R.E.A.M. Liqueur, then snag an Uber/ferry to SI’s Haunted Houses.
Ding, dong: @sihauntedhouses on your socials
Camelback, Pa.
Everybody’s favorite dromedary-dubbed Poconos getaway, where everyday is hump day, gets super creepy when H-ween falls.
Starting Sept. 17 and running through Nov. 8 from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m., the Curse of Camelback turns the mountain waterpark and its surrounding slopes into a make-believe chemical apocalypse (isn’t that what its fake snow machines do, anyway?).
You and your crew turn into a heroic, emergency response team and help save the day. Sets, green-glowing water, mutant/monster cosplay, mazes, some dude named Gary who’s patient zero, are all involved. It’s a whole thing. Check it out.
Knock, knock: From $30
New Orleans
You might think Halloween in the Big Easy involves handing out beads instead of candy and receiving whatever treats you might expect, wink, wink. Not quite.
Adults-only tours with truth-in-advertising names like “Bad Bitches,” “Killers and thrillers” and “Cemetery BYOB bus tours” are clearly “You need to hire a babysitter if we’re doing this”-caveated for parents. And yes, those definitely do exist; their ilk outnumbering kid-friendly ones by like 8,000 to three.
But one of said three is Freaky Foot Tours’ Spooky Family-Friendly Ghost Tour in New Orleans for fams who keep their ghosts terrifying-lite during a two-hour tour of the French Quarter. It’s very woke, wheelchair accessible, with children required to stay with an adult.
Ding, dong: From $37
Witch to choose: How to H’ween in the historically horrifying hub of Salem
Salem, Mass., wasn’t exactly a feminist yoga retreat back in the 1600s — why, with all the witch trialing and scarlett lettering and such.
But these days, it’s welcoming to all genders and ages, witchy or otherwise. Uniquely so when it comes to Halloween.
Yet, it’s still graced by ghosts of the unjustly judged girls gone wild of that 17th century past.
So, no surprise, Salem landed five spots on TripAdvisor‘s top 15 ghost tours list to court them (nailing down No. 1 and 2, by the way), beating out even usually top-bananaing Savannah, according to MagicHour.ai.
“Salem’s name has been shadowed since 1692, when a wave of witchcraft accusations swept this Massachusetts town and ended with 20 innocent people executed and hundreds more imprisoned,” according to Salem Ghost Tours, a leader of many of them. Tours, not trials, that is.
You have your pick of their terrifying troika of these trotabouts: The Ghosts of Salem; Requiem of Salem; and the Salem Witch Trials (GhostCityTours.com/salem).
But if you want a truly unique and kid-friendly one (despite its best efforts in naming itself to seem not so much), go with Satanic Salem Walking Tours. Your guide is the skeleton shirt-sporting Thomas O’Brien Vallor, a two-decade vet in the game who’s also a history nerd, an interfaith occult minister, a Satanic church member, a practicing witch — you know, just a regular Joe Sixpack. You’ll see, the kids love him.
Oh, and he has stuff to sell, if you can even believe it. Hell hath no fury like an e-merch store scorned (SatanicTours.com).
