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It’s time to stop asking people this boring, basic question.
Without even realizing it, you might be inadvertently killing a potential connection by mindlessly asking “How are you?”
Not only is it boring and meaningless — but a leading communication expert says it could make a person, as Nat King Cole would sing, unforgettable.
“For the love of all that’s good and decent, stop asking ‘How are you?’ in a conversation,” public speaking and communication coach Stuart Fedderson told The Post.
“Those are the three most useless words in the world of communication. The person asking doesn’t really want to know, and frankly, the person responding doesn’t tell the truth,” he said
Fedderson calls the query a “boring default” that sabotages what could be a launch pad for more consequential conversation.
“What follows ‘How are you?’ is a lost opportunity, a meaningless exchange with zero connection.”
He notes that the question usually yields a general, two-word response, such as “I’m good” or “I’m alright.”
According to Fedderson, a specific kind of question can open the conversation floodgates.
“You want to go in with open-ended questions in a conversation because it incites storytelling, and people love talking about themselves.”
He recommends leading with “what” questions, such as “What’s been the coolest part of your day today?”
“It automatically sparks the conversation,” said Fedderson.
To maximize memorability, especially when engaging in small talk, the communication expert recommends using the ACT method to formulate questions.
“A, there’s authenticity, C there’s a connection, and T there’s a topic that will connect you to the other person.”
These guidelines can be especially helpful in the workplace, where a recent poll found that 74% struggle to make small talk with co-workers.
Despite these admitted struggles, it’s clear that face-to-face communication with fellow workers has a positive impact: 38% say it benefits their mood and well-being, and it can spark feelings of relaxation, happiness, and confidence after a positive chat.
Fedderson cites a 2019 Harvard study that analyzed more than 300 conversations and found that those who were asked more meaningful follow-up questions found the other person much more likable, charismatic, and confident.
And that same logic applies to dating.
This data is echoed by a study from the State University of New York at Stony Brook, which found that asking deeper questions leads to greater connectedness among participants
