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While it may seem like everyone from your boss to your ex-boyfriend is a flagrant narcissist, an expert is sharing what separates the insufferable from the clinical — and how to neuter their nefarious influence.
“95% of my patients are the victims of narcissistic abuse and trauma,” Dr. Susan Spicer, a licensed clinical psychologist, neuropsychology expert, and trauma therapist, told The Post.
Spicer explained that while the term narcissist is loosely used to describe someone full of themselves, narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, is a clinical condition in which the person has an inflated sense of self-importance and a relentless need for attention and validation.
“It’s a very unique set of behaviors that make a person a narcissist; the hallmarks are gaslighting, manipulation, blame shifting, and avoidance of accountability,” she said.
However, according to Spicer, someone can have narcissistic traits or express narcissistic behaviors and not meet the criteria for NPD.
Spicer said that while narcissistic abuse is disturbingly common, seven holy defense strategies render a narcissist unable to deploy their power plays.
Still, she said, the goal is ultimately more about immobilization than annihilation.
“It’s not about destroying them as a person; it’s about destroying the control right that they have over you. You dismantle the dynamic by taking your emotional reaction, boundaries, and nervous system. That’s how you win.”
Don’t react
Spicer shared that the first move you can make to block a narcissist’s toxicity is to stop feeding them your emotional reactions.
She explained that when you offer anger, tears, or pleading in response to a narcissist, the conversation becomes about your reactions rather than their behavior.
“Emotional regulation is not submission,” she assured.
“It’s refusing to hand someone the remote control to your nervous system. That’s how you take your power back.”
Stop JADE-ing
Spicer shared that victims of narcissistic abuse often engage in justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining — a collection of responses dubbed JADE-ing.
“The minute you justify, argue, defend, or explain, you’re fanning that flame, and the conversation gets twisted,” she explained.
“You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to,” she added.
Get savvy
Spicer underscored the importance of educating yourself on the patterns and tendencies associated with narcissism, including gaslighting, blame shifting, projection, and DARVO — an acronym for the common narcissistic tactic “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.”
“Start trusting their patterns more than their promises,” said Spicer. “Confusion is what keeps people stopped, and clarity is the beginning of freedom.”
Hold boundaries
While establishing boundaries may seem like an obvious defense strategy, Spicer shared that most people don’t fully understand what they are or how to enforce them properly.
“A boundary isn’t saying, ‘you have to stop yelling at me,’” she explained.
“A boundary is saying, ‘If you yell at me, I’m ending this conversation.’ One tries to control the other person’s behavior; the other defines your behavior,” she added.
According to the expert, a boundary without follow-through is a request that can easily be ignored rather than a protective measure that can be activated.
Reduce access
When it comes to protecting yourself from a narcissist, Spicer says less access equals less influence, and the more you can step away from the relationship, the safer you are from its ill effects.
If the narcissist in question is your parent, co-parent, or child and “no contact” or “minimal contact” is not an option, she said all communication should be kept brief, factual, and neutral — providing zero emotional ammunition.
“Say things like noted, understood, got it, thanks. Then move forward,” advised Spicer, who shared that many victims of narcissistic abuse seek closure through ongoing communication.
“Stop making your healing dependent upon their insight or their apology,” she underscored.
“I have so many clients that really, really want to write the long letter to the narcissistic partner. They say, ‘If I can finally make them understand the way that they hurt me, I’ll have closure, right?’ But closure doesn’t always come from the person who created the wound.”
‘Gray-rock’ them
Spicer said the sixth way to disarm a narcissist is to “gray rock” them, a strategy that amounts to making yourself as boring and unresponsive as a gray rock.
“Gray rock is when they try to ignite a fight in you, and you don’t respond, or you cleverly respond to them by saying ‘Could you repeat that?’ or ‘Did you hear yourself when you said that?’ Or ‘Did you mean that to sound hurtful?’,” said Spicer.
She shared that the technique comes from the work of lawyer, author, and communication expert Jefferson Fisher.
Spicer recommends keeping your voice flat and your facial expressions neutral to starve a narcissist of the two things they need most: attention and validation.
“No emotional reactions, no emotional fuel. When there’s nothing left to feed on, the dynamic starts collapsing.”
Build a life without them
Spicer shared that the most effective way to crush and immobilize a narcissist is to build a big, bountiful life without them.
How? Rebuild healthy relationships and process trauma through healthy outlets and with mental health professionals.
“The greatest revenge is not hurting a narcissist; it’s healing,” she said.
“It’s regulating your nervous system. It’s rebuilding your self-worth. It’s finding peace and creating joy, because nothing disrupts narcissistic control more than realizing they no longer have access to you.”
She emphasized that the real victory isn’t that the narcissistic person suffers but rather that their behavior stops determining whether or not you have a good day.
Spicer also noted that narcissistic relationships often create trauma bonds through cycles of affection and withdrawal, meaning leaving or altering the dynamic often feels painful or confusing.
“That doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means your nervous system adapted to survive in a very powerful psychological dynamic. Help is out there. You don’t have to do this alone,” she said
“Use trusted people in your life as a sounding board and then get trauma-informed therapy because therapies like EMDR can help heal the trauma that comes along with narcissistic abuse,” she added.
