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NEW YORK — In her early 20s, Kaci LaFon lived in Branson, Missouri, a tourist town known for its older population. She wanted to date but found it a challenge, so — like many her age — she headed to the apps.
Over five years, she’d get a date here and there, but they always petered out. “I tried and I failed,” she said. “There wasn’t really much I could do about it.”
The issue, in her eyes? LaFon, now 28, is chronically ill. She has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, a connective tissue disorder, as well as a range of other health issues. Her matches had no idea how to navigate her challenges, or they had a God complex and wanted to treat her as an invalid. That, she said, was a hard no.
That all changed when LaFon went on Dateability, an app designed for both disabled and chronically ill people. LaFon’s mom spotted a news story about it and urged her to try it. Soon after joining, she found her forever person, Collin LaFon, who has cerebral palsy and endured a similar dating experience.
They married in September.
“We all have the fairy tale of falling in love and meeting our person in our head,” said Collin LaFon from their home near Birmingham, Alabama. “But at the end of the day, I don’t have full function in all four of my limbs. There’s an extra piece that goes along with everything.”
Dating while disabled made easier
What the LaFons describe is exactly why two sisters in Denver, Colorado, launched Dateability three years ago. One, 31-year-old Jacqueline Child, had become disabled due to Ehlers-Danlos, Lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and a plethora of other conditions that impact her health from head to toe.
She must use a feeding tube to stay alive.
Child recalls months of being ghosted or rejected on mainstream dating apps.
“Any mention of disability was completely negative,” she said. “They wouldn’t even give it a chance, had no idea what my life looked like, but they just assumed it would be miserable.”
She and her older sibling, Alexa Child, now have about 40,000 registered users and recently updated Dateability to improve the look and functionality. They’ve expanded their user base to include Canada, Mexico and the UK.
“I just wanted an equal playing field of people that I would be interested in, and that other young people would be interested in, too,” Jacqueline said.
Millions of people report disabilities
More than 70 million US adults, or one in four, reported having a disability in 2022, according to the most recent data available from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That’s the year the Child sisters founded Dateability.
They had 1,000 people sign up in the first month. Their user base has increased 10-fold in the last year, the founders said.
The service has both free and paid options. Among the differences in tiers: Users who don’t pay must like or pass on a profile before seeing another. Paid users can see all profiles that have sent them a “like” at once.
Dateability also welcomes nondisabled users, screening as best it can to avoid those who fetishize chronically ill or disabled people. The sisters have found that most nondisabled people using it have some connection to the disability or chronically ill communities through a loved one or their own advocacy work.
“We wanted to make it truly inclusive,” Alexa said.
Finding long-term partners online
In Pikesville, Maryland, 23-year-old Sophie Brisker found her boyfriend on Dateability.
She joined the app in 2022 after developing debilitating symptoms just before her 18th birthday from chronic fatigue syndrome and other long-term conditions.
She has been housebound for months at a time, attending college online, and uses a wheelchair for long distances.
“It’s really exhausting trying to explain to someone all of your limitations and the illnesses you have,” Brisker said.
At the time, she was looking for companionship, unsure whether a romantic relationship was doable.
“Knowing that someone would be OK with not necessarily doing many of the things that most normal couples do was important to me,” she said.
Her partner suffers from long COVID-19 and other chronic illnesses. Now, the two plan to move together to Louisville, Kentucky.
“We hit it off on everything,” Brisker said. “We understood each other in ways that other people just couldn’t.”
Matthew Shapiro, 34, is a disability advocate in Richmond, Virginia. He works with businesses, organizations, state lawmakers and others who want to learn how to be more inclusive.
He was born with cerebral palsy and uses a power chair to get around.
Shapiro has dabbled in online dating on the mainstream apps and another service for the disabled.
“People’s intentions on those apps weren’t always pure,” Shapiro said. “I was looking for a space where it felt like community.”
He’s had relationships over the years with people he’s met online and in person, including a relationship with a nondisabled woman who questioned her ability to cope with Shapiro’s personal care needs.
It was a woman he met on Dateability that changed his life. The older mom of two was born without fingers on her left hand and didn’t flinch at his challenges. The two have shifted to be close friends after several months of dating.
“It was the first time I ever felt fully seen and accepted and sort of loved in a relationship,” Shapiro said. “With traditional apps, you sort of have to hope that people are cool with who you are, but with Dateability, it’s all right there.”
App leads to friendlier dates for disabled
In addition to stigma and misconceptions about their abilities and challenges, people with chronic illnesses and disabilities face other obstacles in dating.
Not all social venues like bars and restaurants are fully accessible. That could mean no ramps, poor lighting or a noisy environment.
Online, some dating apps have limited assistive technology, such as sign language support or screen reader compliance with common software for the visually impaired.
Opening up about their personal needs can also be daunting, Shapiro said. Some have given up on dating altogether, or never tried.
“People with disabilities deserve love and deserve relationships, just like anyone else,” he said.
“Love without worry. Love without hesitation and question. There are a lot of people with disabilities who don’t know what that feels like.”
