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The difference between a good relationship and a great relationship could boil down to one formula.
Simon Sinek, author, inspirational speaker and founder of The Optimism Company in New York, shared his breakdown of core compatibilities for successful couples.
Sinek, who has built a following of millions with content about leadership and interpersonal communication, said he developed his “3+1” formula after years of considering what makes partnerships work.
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The formula centers on the following three core factors that can ebb and flow over the course of a partnership.
- Intellectual compatibility
- Emotional compatibility
- Sexual and creative compatibility
He also added a fourth bonus factor: circumstances.
Being intellectually compatible with your partner is essential, Sinek told Fox News Digital.
“You get along, you enjoy going out with them,” he said. “It doesn’t mean you’re as smart as each other; it means you have something to talk about when you go out together.”
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Emotional compatibility means being vulnerable and emotionally available to each other, while creative and sexual compatibility reflects enjoying intimacy with a partner.
Sinek said he groups sexual attraction and creativity together, as they use the “same part of the brain” that is imaginative.
“When people can bring imagination to their sex lives, that is creativity,” he said. “You hear it in couples who have been together for 10, 15, 20 years – they talk about how things get stale, get boring. That’s creativity.”
A good relationship can blossom with one-and-a-half or two of these factors, according to Sinek, but a great relationship includes all three.
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“They’re not all on high at the same time, so they sort of need each other to get through the relationship,” he said.
The bonus factor – circumstances – is controlled by external forces and can tip the scales of a successful relationship, Sinek added.
“Sometimes, we meet somebody who fits all three, but they live on the other side of the world, and we can’t move our lives and they can’t move theirs,” he said. “Or maybe they’re already in a relationship and you shrug your shoulders and say, ‘Bad timing.'”
“Sometimes we get infatuated because we find one or two of those things, but for it to really last, I’ve learned it takes all three, plus the circumstances.”
Mistaking infatuation for compatibility
Sinek warned that having one or two of these factors so highly developed, especially early in a relationship, can create the misleading impression that “this is my person.”
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“One of the biggest things I’ve learned about relationships is the danger of infatuation,” Sinek said, noting that early attraction can be driven by dopamine rather than love at first sight.
He said people can fall for “the fantasy that the person represents” and think, “I’ve been looking for someone like you for my whole life,” despite knowing someone for only a few hours.
After the initial infatuation fades, it may become more clear whether a person is a good long-term match, according to Sinek. He suggested that a lack of intense infatuation at the beginning could sometimes be a positive sign.
“You hear about people who knew each other for 10 years because they worked together,” he said. “And then they finally realize that they’re in love with each other. There was no infatuation. There was no spike.”
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Sinek encourages people to give potential partners who meet many of the desired criteria a chance, even if there isn’t an immediate spark.
“I know I’ve made this mistake a million times,” he said. “I met great people, but there was no infatuation, so I was like, ‘nope, not for me.’ Or I was seduced by the infatuation.”
Striking a balance
For committed or long-term couples who seem to have the core factors out of balance, Sinek urges them to pay closer attention to habits that may be pulling them away from the relationship.
“You see people who go out for dinner on a regular basis, and they are either on their phones the whole time, or they’re looking in other directions,” he said.
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“Maybe somebody needs to put in an effort to say, ‘Let’s put our phones away. Let’s trade phones when we go out so we don’t even have the temptation,’” Sinek suggested.
The expert reiterated that for those who want a lasting relationship — in a fast-paced dating climate that’s more sexually driven and tied to instant gratification — all three parts of the formula must develop.
“Sometimes we get infatuated because we find one or two of those things, but for it to really last, I’ve learned it takes all three.”
“Even the sexual connection sometimes doesn’t happen at the beginning, and that also can come later,” he said. Emotional connection can change the dynamic between partners, Sinek added.
He cautioned against placing too much importance on one or two factors simply because they are especially strong or appear early.
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Sinek continued, “It’s recognizing that when they start to wax and wane, all three of them are going to matter and they’re going to show up naturally at some point, so it’s more of an awareness rather than trying to force it.”
