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DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a beautiful 30-year-old son, “Caleb,” who’s married, employed and happy. We have a close relationship, and he thinks Mom and Dad (married 35 years) are awesome. He was also close to his “perfect” grandma, who died recently. He adored her, and she loved and spoiled him.
What he doesn’t know is Grandma was a horrific parent who left my cold, heartless dad to marry another man, breaking up the family. Mom pushed me to graduate from high school early, forcing me into college when I wasn’t prepared. I failed, and then she pushed me into a marriage at 20 to an abusive man so she could be alone with her new hubby. I divorced after two years of beatings, which she knew about before the wedding. She was manipulative and selfish even into her last days, which Caleb never saw.
Now Caleb wants me to do one of those “Mom, Tell Me About Your Life” books. I don’t know what to say. Telling him I was previously married will be a jolt, but the “why” questions will be tougher. I don’t want to lie, but I also don’t want to ruin his image of his grandma. My husband says I should tell him only the basics, but I feel that would be a lie of omission. How do I proceed? — TROUBLED PAST
DEAR TROUBLED PAST: I’m sorry for the loss of your mother, even though you weren’t on good terms. Caleb is old enough to understand your reasons for not wanting to participate in his project. Tell him you and your mom didn’t always get along, and you’d prefer to spare him the unpleasant details. If he persists, add that these memories are painful and you don’t care to relive them.
DEAR ABBY: I thought I was having a private conversation with my husband on my daughter’s porch. My daughter overheard some negative comments I made about her through her new home security system and was extremely hurt.
I have apologized and told her it wasn’t meant for her to hear. I’m forgetful at 77, and I forgot she had told me about her new security system. We’ve had no contact since, even though I’ve sent birthday cards. She has no children but convinced her sister and her sister’s kids to no longer have contact with us. What can I do? — BIG MOUTH IN GEORGIA
DEAR BIG MOUTH: I’m sorry you didn’t mention what you said that caused you and your husband to become estranged from your children and grandchildren. Why you felt it was necessary to speak disparagingly about your daughter in her own home is puzzling, unless your relationship with her was strained to begin with.
You can apologize repeatedly for hurting her feelings, but there’s no guarantee she will accept it. In the future, instead of opening your mouth, remember the words of Benjamin Franklin, who said, “I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.” Especially family.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
