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DEAR ABBY: We live 500 miles from our nearest relatives, but a niece is attending a university about 50 miles away. We invite her to join us for holidays and weekends, and sometimes she asks to visit to escape from roommate drama.
We love having her, but she often says she’s coming at one time only to arrive hours or days later. Last time, she told us she was coming on Friday afternoon and didn’t show up until Sunday afternoon (she does keep us updated).
We have busy lives and often set aside our regular activities to shop for special meals or make reservations for activities to do with her. Instead, we end up sitting home because our other activities were canceled to spend time with her.
Her parents, when they travel to this area, also do this or expect us to travel to meet them within about 100 miles, but they keep changing the plans, so our schedules are disrupted. They try to cram so many things into a day that visits to a special place are often pushed to the end of the day, and we must rush through before closing.
When we visit them, they rarely alter their plans for us and seem surprised when we show up on time. Sometimes, we have to wait hours for them to come home when we agreed on our time of arrival. We love spending time with them, but this just makes us feel used. I don’t know how to express this to them without alienating them. — ON SCHEDULE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ON SCHEDULE: What boorish, disrespectful relatives you have been catering to. Worse, they have passed their disregard for the feelings of others along to their daughter. You are long overdue for a conversation with that niece, informing her that if she can’t show up on the agreed-upon date, she should cancel rather than leaving you hanging for two days. Make sure she understands that you won’t be home if she arrives hours late.
Deliver a similar message to her parents. If you are left waiting for more than 30 minutes (and I think that’s generous), you will carry on without them or go home.
DEAR ABBY: I have a 7-year-old daughter who hasn’t seen her dad in years. Her own father wants nothing to do with her. He has always hidden our child from his family and tries to keep us a secret. I’m getting sick and tired of this behavior, and the department of child support can’t do anything because he ignores their calls. What can I do? Is it best to move on and cut off contact for good since he’s not interested in our daughter? — DONE WITH NON-DAD
DEAR DONE: Sadly, you can’t force a deadbeat dad to have a relationship with his daughter. You would be justified in cutting him out of your life completely. I must ask, though: Have you consulted a lawyer about any of this? Even if he’s unwilling to be present as a parent, a father is legally required to provide financial support in most cases.
DEAR READERS: It’s Halloween, a time for fun and fantasy! I hope that any celebrating you do tonight will be creative, fun and safe for everyone involved. Happy Halloween!
And a reminder that daylight saving time ends at 2 a.m. Sunday. Don’t forget to turn your clocks back one hour at bedtime tonight. And while you’re at it, be sure to put fresh batteries in your fire alarms and smoke detectors. — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
