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DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away six years ago. She was a manipulative woman who had alienated all family members except my adult son. She promised him a sizable amount of money when she passed, but didn’t follow through. As the fiduciary of my parents’ estate, I followed their trust directives as written, with no exceptions.
My son received a nice check, but not as large as he had expected. He was upset and blamed me for “taking” his money. Then he declared that we would never see our grandsons again unless he received what his grandmother had promised. He refused to understand the concept of a trustee’s fiduciary duty and has ghosted us, even though I have tried reaching out to him several times.
Thanks to the generosity of our former daughter-in-law, we do have access to our grandsons. I have finally come to terms with my son’s decision to remove himself from the family, which includes his brother and sister. He’s an adult and can make that decision for himself.
It was always my intention to one day pass what I inherited on to my three children. What I am struggling with is that I’m feeling a considerable amount of guilt because my husband and I have excluded this son from any monetary distributions from our own trust because of how he has behaved and his attempt at blackmail. Am I justified in excluding him? I want to forgive and forget, but I can’t get past his actions. — CONFLICTED IN IDAHO
DEAR CONFLICTED: That your son misdirected his anger from his grandmother, where it belonged, onto you is very sad. Forgive him in your heart, but do not reward him by changing your estate plans. If you haven’t already done so, discuss with your lawyer leaving your son’s share of your estate in trust for your grandsons instead.
DEAR ABBY: I am married to a verbally and economically abusive alcoholic. His drinking has grown much worse during this last year to the point that he can no longer hold a job longer than two months. We have three children, and I know our constant fighting is bad for the kids.
Because I haven’t worked in eight years, it has been extremely hard for me to find a job. I have applied for many. I want to leave this toxic marriage, but I’m scared. I don’t know how. I have nowhere to go, no money, no car, no job. What can I do, Abby? I am so miserable that I can’t stand it. — BREAKING POINT IN THE WEST
DEAR BREAKING POINT: It’s time to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which can be accessed at thehotline.org or by calling toll-free 800-799-7233. Your husband may not be beating you, but that does not mean you aren’t being abused.
The atmosphere you describe isn’t healthy for you or your children. You cannot save your husband from his addiction. Only he can do that when he finally hits rock bottom and decides to seek help for his drinking.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
