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DEAR ABBY: I’ve been in a relationship with a man for three years and living with him for the past two. He has two married daughters and seven grandkids. Before I entered his life, he had an open-door policy. He allowed them to visit whenever they wanted, and they still have keys to his house.
My partner and I are not on the same page regarding boundaries and privacy. While I understand the importance of children spending time with their parents, his daughters visit him two to three times a week.
I work full time, and yesterday, after a long day at the office, I arrived home at 6 p.m. to find his youngest daughter and her three kids there with the house in disarray. They stayed for dinner and lingered afterward.
I was exhausted, so I went to bed around 8 p.m., but as I lay there, I couldn’t help thinking it might be time for me to move out or leave the relationship entirely. I’ve often felt like I don’t have a voice when it comes to living in his house and that my feelings don’t seem to matter. Am I wrong to feel this way? — INVADED IN IOWA
DEAR INVADED: No, you are not. What your gentleman friend and his children haven’t taken into account is that he no longer lives alone, and an additional person needs to be considered. If, after working a full day, you don’t feel up to entertaining his children and grandchildren, you should at least have some warning about what you will be facing when you get home. That you weren’t consulted was inconsiderate.
If, after you have discussed this, he continues to do it without consulting you, you should absolutely get a place of your own. Continue to see him if that’s an option, but create some distance.
DEAR ABBY: I’ve had a core group of friends for almost 20 years. Some have kids, but I do not. We all met doing theater. I considered many of them my closest friends. Last month, six of them, all of whom have kids the same age, founded a new theater company, which is cool, but I was not notified or consulted.
I’ve acted in and stage-managed many shows with all of them, as well as played music for their shows. They’re now producing a musical with my other best friend from out of state. Why am I being excluded? Am I crazy for feeling upset that I’m not being included? Is it because I don’t have kids and they do? Should I just move on and find new friends? — THEATER GUY
DEAR THEATER GUY: You are not crazy for feeling left out. As to why they didn’t mention this venture to you, I’m not the person you should ask. Is this a youth-oriented theater company? If so, they may have assumed you would not want to participate. Now that you know about it, offer to help with the show. If they decline, that would be your moment to inquire about the reasons.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
