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DEAR ABBY: My parents have always been wonderful and supportive. As they grow older, it’s hard to see them deal with the aches and pains that come with age — especially my mother, who has rheumatoid arthritis. In an effort to ease their burden, I pay for a monthly cleaning service to help them maintain their large home. While I’m happy to support them, I am growing increasingly frustrated.
Recently, they’ve been frequenting estate sales and bringing home furniture, dish sets, seasonal decorations and other things they have little space or practical use for. They have two fully decorated accessory dwelling units on their property, yet they continue acquiring more stuff, even though it’s just the two of them.
This situation concerns me not only because of the limited space and physical strain, but also because they’re retired and living on a fixed income. I’m beginning to feel stupid paying for a cleaning service while they continue filling their home with things they don’t need, making it harder to keep clean in the first place. How can I bring up my concerns in a way that’s respectful, without sounding controlling or ungrateful? — FRUSTRATED WITH THEM IN THE SOUTH
DEAR FRUSTRATED: It would be interesting to know why your parents do this. Have they turned into hoarders? Is frequenting estate sales a form of entertainment for them? (I know people who do this avidly, and they find treasures, because sometimes heirs don’t realize the value of what they have.)
You are overdue for a frank talk with your folks, who, from your descriptions of their property — a home plus two fully furnished ADUs — may not need your financial assistance for a cleaning service.
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 30 years demanded a divorce because I refused to quit my job to move nearer to her parents on the other coast. This was 14 years ago. Our two boys were away at college at the time. She went through with the divorce, bitter and angry, even though I offered to accommodate her in various ways that were reasonable.
I remarried five years ago to a woman who sincerely reached out to my boys (now 36 and 35) with kindness. Things were relatively peaceful until my remarriage, which sent my ex over the edge. She has defamed me nonstop with lies, and the boys have cut off all contact with me. I’m 80 and in good health, but I want to reestablish good relations with them before it’s too late. Any thoughts? — TROUBLED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TROUBLED: Write to your sons telling them you love them, miss them and would like to meet and talk with them. After that, the ball will be in their court about whether they are ready to listen. Your “boys” are well into adulthood now, and it’s possible that their perspective may have broadened. However, if it hasn’t, you will have to accept it. Be prepared to move on and to enjoy the rest of your life without them.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
