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DEAR ABBY: I suggested to my husband that he invite his nephew “Ryan” (age 26) to stay with us. Ryan definitely needed some male direction. He was homeless, jobless and didn’t even know how to apply for a job. Ryan is not mentally challenged. He simply was never taught anything until he was thrown out on the street with no skills.
Once Ryan moved in, I realized just how big a mistake we had made. He got a job because a relative was able to get him hired without even so much as an interview. He doesn’t make enough money to move out on his own. He sleeps all day and plays video games all night anytime he’s not at work.
Ryan doesn’t shower, doesn’t do his own laundry and leaves dirty dishes all over the room he sleeps in. The room smells horrible. On top of that, my clothes closet is in that room. (There is no other option for my clothes.) I’m worried his body odor and dirty clothes will soon make all my clothes smell as well.
This was meant to be a temporary situation until Ryan had saved enough to get his own place. However, he makes no effort to save toward that end. I wouldn’t intervene if it weren’t that he is diminishing my quality of life. I was all in for helping him out, but I can no longer live under these conditions. My husband keeps saying he’ll handle it but doesn’t. It’s not my place because Ryan is his relative. I’m in desperate need of your wisdom. — SMELLY SITUATION
DEAR SMELLY SITUATION: Ryan’s parents did their son a terrible disservice by not teaching him survival skills so he could live independently. Because you chose to take him off the streets, that task now falls to you. I say “you” because your husband doesn’t appear to have the backbone to address this. Both of you need to tell Ryan there are rules he must follow if he wants to continue living with you.
Show him how to put his clothes (and detergent) into a washing machine and to use the dryer. Tell him he must shower at least three times a week and use deodorant every day. No longer tolerate food in his room or dirty dishes left in the sink. He must eat in the dining area like a civilized person.
Also, set up a savings plan for what little money he earns so part of his paycheck can accumulate and he can finally move out on his own – even if it’s with a roommate. If he learns the lessons that you teach him, someone may actually be willing to share quarters with him. I wish you luck. Nothing will change until you assert yourself.
DEAR ABBY: My son and I have been estranged for three years. He wants nothing more to do with me. I do not expect to see him ever again. However, I still have items of his. Do I pack up the items and have them dropped off, or what? I’m not sure what to do. — EX-MOTHER IN ARIZONA
DEAR EX-MOTHER: If you are sure that your son is still living at the same address, box the items up and send them. That way, you can never be blamed for withholding anything from him.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
