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DEAR ABBY: About 15 years ago, my nephew gave me a birthday gift of a baseball bat signed by a top player. I love baseball, so it was a lovely gift. After I thanked him, he said, “When my son is older, I would like you to give it to him.” We have been estranged now for at least 10 years because his spouse dislikes our family for some reason.
Am I obligated to find a way to get the bat back to him? Looking at their Facebook over the years, I see no signs that there is any interest in baseball in this son or their family. I am in my later years and have been trying to downsize and pass on some of my things. I would rather pass it on to a grandchild of mine who loves and currently plays baseball and would treasure it. — DOWNSIZING BASEBALL FAN
DEAR FAN: This family has chosen to cut ties with you. They cannot reasonably expect you to track down a grandnephew with whom you have no relationship. In fact, it was crass of your nephew to put a stipulation on the gift in the first place. Pass the bat to the grandchild you know and love.
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DEAR ABBY: I’ve been married for 20 years. My in-laws and I have had a decent relationship. My husband, our three teenage children and I have been living with them for 10 years. It was rough at first, but things got better.
My in-laws received and spent three cushy inheritances (close to $3.5 million) over the last 22 years. They also maxed out a reverse mortgage within the past two years. Abby, they have not one dime of it left!
Things started to go downhill about four years ago. My husband and I have bailed them out financially too many times to count. We’re not financially struggling, but our nest egg (that we worked hard for and was to go toward buying our own home) is nearly gone. The in-laws have slid back into their old ways again — not paying bills, not cleaning up after themselves, not helping with household chores, neglecting their health, etc.
My in-laws gave us their powers of attorney for health and finance a few months ago. They agreed to allow us to help them get organized, make a budget, clean up their house, make appointments and hold them accountable. They invariably play the victim and complain when we try to discuss things. Over the past eight months, I’ve had two breakdowns. This is affecting my mental and physical health. My kids want nothing to do with their grandparents. I’m not perfect, but I do have self-respect. Please help! — ON EDGE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR ON EDGE: It’s time to recognize that your in-laws may have a problem that you and your husband are not equipped to handle. That you now have their powers of attorney may (or may not) save all of you. For everyone’s sake, stop enabling them and enlist the help of a licensed financial counselor to help straighten out this mess. Go online and look for an accredited or certified credit counselor affiliated with the National Foundation for Credit Counseling (nfcc.org.). Their “slide back into their old ways” may have a medical explanation, which means your in-laws need to be evaluated medically and neurologically. Please don’t wait.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
