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DEAR ABBY: I am a senior woman in great shape. I am active, and I have never had a problem attracting men. Five years ago, I married a man I had known for many years. We used to have a pretty active sex life, but it has been four years since he has touched me in an intimate way. He says he doesn’t know why, and that it is due to lack of confidence.
I’m afraid that if I don’t leave, I’ll never know the loving arms of a man around me again. In other ways, we get along fine, but as time has progressed, I no longer find him attractive. If he did make a move today, I think I would reject it because too much hurt has happened.
Financially, leaving would be a disaster. Our friends and family think we are a great couple, but no one knows the truth. I feel like I am sinking into a morass with each long, lonely day. Please advise. — UNTOUCHED IN COSTA RICA
DEAR UNTOUCHED: Before you sink further into depression, I urge you to discuss this with your doctor and get a referral to a licensed psychotherapist. Make no hard-and-fast decisions about your marriage until you are feeling better. I don’t know what caused your husband’s problem. Neither do you, and it’s possible that neither does he.
Is your husband aware of how strongly you feel about this and that you are seriously considering leaving? If he isn’t, would he be willing to explore possible solutions and perhaps heal your relationship? And, finally, if he is, would you be willing to try again? I know I am giving you more questions than answers, but they are worth considering.
DEAR ABBY: As the compliance officer at a university, it’s my job to run mandatory training for faculty and staff. They know the dates, times and schedules for the meetings weeks in advance. I try hard to keep these training sessions as short and as few in number as possible, which means we need to use all the time available.
My issue is that whenever we call a short break, some subset of people will wander away to unknown destinations. Are they looking for coffee? A bandage? A reevaluation of their life goals? We never know.
I am left with two choices: Hold everyone up and wait for them to return, which is polite but ensures we will all end the day late, or start without them. The ruder option means I must deny their certification until they meet with me to catch up on what they missed. Both options are frustrating.
I’ve learned that the longer the break, the more people who will go missing. No number of warnings or amount of cajoling will bring everyone back on time. So which option is better: starting, or waiting? — RUNNING THE SHOW IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR RUNNING: Stop being such a pushover. At the beginning of each meeting, explain to the attendees that everyone must be present for the entire presentation or you cannot certify them. Then follow through. Do not continue to make yourself available for those who skip out, because it is disrespectful of the folks who stayed.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
