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DEAR ABBY: A friend’s wife’s elderly biological father was killed in a one-car auto accident recently. She had been estranged from him for as long as I can remember (more than 30 years?) and told me over the years how much she hated him. She adored her stepfather, who died a few years back.
My friend is now upset with me because I failed to send condolences to his wife following her father’s death, despite the hateful feelings she had voiced about him. I certainly had reached out to her after the death of her stepfather, for whom she cared very much.
What is the rule of etiquette when a person loses a family member they hated? What would I even say? “Sorry for your loss”? It just seems that any sentiment would be fake. — NOT INSENSITIVE IN ARIZONA
DEAR NOT INSENSITIVE: I agree with you. Explain to your friend that you didn’t mean to slight his wife, but after hearing how much she disliked her biological father for so many years, you didn’t think she needed consoling. Then, in a separate call, tell his wife that you are sorry if your lack of response was hurtful to her, because it was not your intention.
DEAR ABBY: What do you do about a co-worker who sends mixed signals to you? I am a woman about 72 years old, and he is about 20 years younger. I believe he’s single or unattached. I lost my boyfriend 10 years ago to heart problems.
Over the past three to four years, this co-worker has made cute faces at me, winked, gotten physically close, followed me in the workplace for a moment, etc. We have offered to buy each other a beverage. He’s a good person but acts odd! I think he’s shy or has social anxiety. What do you think is the cause of this behavior? — PUZZLED AT WORK
DEAR PUZZLED: You say he “sends mixed signals,” but you’ve listed only behaviors that show interest. Perhaps this gentleman is flirtatious by nature, or perhaps he’s always socially awkward. What you know for certain is that he enjoys your company and seems to be looking for companionship. I say follow through on that drink offer, but try not to read too much into it. You have nothing to lose, but you may gain a good friend.
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter has been in a long-term relationship with the most wonderful young man. They live together, and their commitment is strong. They have supported each other through severe illness, loss of parents, employment layoffs, etc.
When in social situations, we are often at a loss how to properly introduce him. He’s an important part of our family, and we are proud of him, but he is not our son-in-law, and he is much more than our daughter’s boyfriend. Any suggestions? — TERM OF ENDEARMENT IN TEXAS
DEAR TERM: It appears your daughter and this young man are lucky to have found each other. My suggestion is to ask him how he would like to be introduced, and follow his lead. You can’t go wrong that way.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
