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DEAR ABBY: I spent the morning at a close friend’s home. She is in her early 80s and starting to show some mental decline and memory problems. Her children are in their 30s and still live at home. Her husband is also in his 80s.
While there, I noticed how, at every opportunity, the kids or husband would make some “innocent” remark about her hearing or mental alertness. It didn’t take long for me to notice how these remarks went from harmless teasing to mean-spirited. I could see by my friend’s expression that some of their remarks had hit the mark and hurt her feelings. She either played along with it or pretended she didn’t hear it.
I made an early exit and proceeded to my next stop, where, to my dismay, the scene repeated itself with my own sister (also in her early 80s) as the target. Her daughter and husband were relentless with their teasing about her hearing, sight, word searching — whatever they could find to demean her (no, this is not new). But after the way I saw my friend being abused, I had to get out of there. I am ashamed for not speaking up at the time. Abby, what should I have done then and in the future? — LOUSY FRIEND AND SISTER
DEAR ‘LOUSY’: When it happens in the future (and it will), feel free to speak up. Consider telling those “witty” individuals that their comments are not funny; they are hurtful. If they really believe what they are saying is true, their relative should be evaluated by a neurologist, an ophthalmologist or an audiologist to see what deficits can be remediated.
DEAR ABBY: My son and his wife have two children. The youngest is a baby and is my first grandchild fathered by my son. I have a special relationship with the baby and have been caring for him since he was 2 1/2 months old, Monday through Friday from 8 to 5. The idea was that I would watch him until he was a year and a little bit, and then he would go to day care. Day care is very expensive, and I’ve recently been told they may not be able to afford it at this point.
My husband and I have been eagerly looking forward to the time when I will have some time to do other things. I am torn between telling them I will watch him longer and saying they’re going to have to figure it out. I love this baby boy, and I love my son.
My emotions have gotten the best of me, and I’m considering caring for my grandson longer. However, I know that’s going to be an issue with my husband, who is not my son’s father. What is your view on this? — TORN GRANDMA IN FLORIDA
DEAR GRANDMA: My view is that you, your husband, your son and his wife should have a conversation in which you structure a schedule that will work for all of you. If that is not possible, because your son and his wife need help paying for day care, perhaps you and your husband could chip in.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
