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DEAR ABBY: My adult daughter wants to confide (complain) to me about her husband — his quirky behavior, things he does that she doesn’t like, etc. — nothing heavy or abusive. I have told her that I think it’s inappropriate for her to talk to me about him, unfair to me and bad for the ongoing relationship I have with him.
Instead, she’s confiding in my husband. I have told them both that maybe she should talk to her friends and therapist, since she has one. She responded: “All of my friends talk to their parents about their husbands and get their advice. Usually, they talk to their moms, but since you won’t listen, I talk to Dad.”
Am I wrong in thinking that a wife’s strongest relationship should be with her husband, and that it is disloyal to speak to her parents about nonthreatening aggravations? I never spoke to my parents about my marriage, though there was plenty I could have shared! Have the rules changed? — HEAR NO EVIL
DEAR HEAR NO EVIL: I’m not sure there ever were any universal rules about this. Each family handles it in a way that works for them. If you dislike being your daughter’s marriage adviser but your husband doesn’t mind, I’d say they’ve hit upon the best solution for all involved. However, because you don’t want to hear it, it would be best if they avoid holding their counseling sessions in your presence.
DEAR ABBY: My sweet husband has a bad habit that I cannot correct. He goes into a room, pantry or closet and will not turn off the lights when he exits. I then go into a room or closet and find the lights on, and he hasn’t been in there for 30 minutes. He says it’s no big deal. I say it’s wasting electricity and money! What say you? — THRIFTY IN TEXAS
DEAR THRIFTY: I say you two could save yourselves money and have fewer arguments if you buy motion-sensing light switches that operate automatically.
DEAR ABBY: My son, 47, informed me in January that he and his wife of 13 years are divorcing. (She initiated the divorce.) When he proposed to her, he gave her my engagement ring from my late husband. About a year ago, I gave her an additional diamond-and-emerald band because I felt comfortable that the marriage was solid. I would like my rings back now. Am I out of line? — GIVE ME A RING
DEAR GIVE ME A RING: You did not mention whether the couple has any children. If they do, the heirloom ring should be set aside and given to one of them at an appropriate age. If not, the rules of etiquette dictate that it be returned to you. (Please note: Because an engagement ring is usually considered a gift to the intended, the rule of law may not agree with what is ethical and proper.)
The additional band you gave her isn’t covered by the same rule of etiquette, but if you ask her nicely, she may be willing to return it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
