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DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old woman with a 21-year-old daughter, “Penny.” I got pregnant at 16 and was very much alone, with little help from those around me. For a variety of reasons, I decided not to involve the father or his family. They knew I was pregnant but chose to remain uninvolved and haven’t helped in any way. I worked hard to build a life for Penny and myself, and I have remained single all this time. Her father has since passed away, but he had several other children, and his parents still live in our same small town.
I thought my secret (and right to privacy) had been respected, but I recently found out that someone told Penny about her “other family” several years ago. On my daughter’s 21st birthday, her paternal grandma called her and told her she had a birthday gift for her. This “birthday gift” was a paternity test. Come to find out, Grandma is in poor health, and her other granddaughter was her primary caregiver, but the young woman has now moved across the country. I suspect Grandma wants Penny to assume this role.
Penny is angry with me for not being honest about her history and angry that her grandmother, who has known about her for many years, is choosing to acknowledge a relationship only now. I am furious that they are putting my daughter in this situation. Am I wrong? How can I smooth this over? — SECRET’S OUT IN COLORADO
DEAR SECRET’S OUT: Apologize to Penny for keeping the information about her father from her. Explain that you did it because the story is ugly and you hoped to spare her the pain you experienced as a teenager. Because you live in a small town, it was unrealistic to think that this kind of secret would not come to light one day. That Penny’s grandmother would introduce herself in this way was selfish and cruel, and I hope your daughter will not allow herself to become ensnared.
DEAR ABBY: I am in multiple online groups (such as academia, work, etc.) that insist on using my full first name. They require my full first name for legal reasons and do not offer an area to input the name I actually use. I know many people have far worse problems, but it gets on my nerves that everyone I interact with calls me by a formal name I have never used.
Even when I sign my emails and texts with the correct name (which is simply cutting six letters off the end of the formal name), people still call me by my whole name. I have tried emailing, “You can just call me XXX,” but it is often ignored. It really gets under my skin.
Is there a polite way to correct them, or must I try harder not to care? I have considered changing my name legally, but it is far more trouble than it’s worth. — MISNOMER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR MISNOMER: Because being called by a name you don’t like bothers you to the extent that you would write about it to me, my advice is to stop grinning and bearing it and make the time to have your name legally changed.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
