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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, “Adam,” and I have been together for four years. We are very much in love and share similar views on most things. We agree that a marriage license is just a piece of paper and our relationship is already a marriage, so we don’t need one.
We have also discussed the idea of having children in the future, and we agreed we didn’t want any. I have never had the drive to be a mother, although I have been told I would make an excellent one. Even Adam has said it. But we both have been adamant that we don’t want children. We love our freedom way too much (or at least I do), not to mention the finances involved, and we want to travel a lot.
Because I can no longer take birth control, I have been considering tying my tubes. Adam volunteered to get a vasectomy because he said he doesn’t want me to go in for surgery. Well, this week he confessed that he hasn’t gone through with it because he’s scared and he still might want a baby.
Adam has flip-flopped back and forth over the last two years about having or not having a child, while I have stayed firm on not wanting any. Should I consider having a child if that’s what he wants? I love him. He’s the man I see myself growing old with, and I don’t want to break his heart. — PERPLEXED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PERPLEXED: Parenthood is a joy that should be embarked upon because you sincerely want a child, not to please your boyfriend. The truth is that motherhood is a lifetime responsibility. It doesn’t end when the child turns 21. I implore you not to make such an important decision to please anyone but yourself, because if something happened to Adam, you would have to raise that child alone.
There are other options besides birth control medications you should discuss with your doctor. Unless you are absolutely certain you want to become a mother, you should utilize them religiously.
As to a marriage license “just being a piece of paper,” let me point out that it is much more than that. It entitles a spouse to participate in medical decisions if a husband or wife becomes incapacitated, and it also guarantees rights of inheritance if, heaven forbid, something should happen to either of you. Yes, I know there is such a thing as common law marriage, but a marriage certificate is better — trust me on that.
DEAR ABBY: We have a morbidly obese 30-year-old grandson (at least 300 pounds) coming for dinner along with family. We don’t have any chairs that will accommodate him. We are concerned that he will be embarrassed. Can you help us in handling this dilemma? — HOSTESS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HOSTESS: I’ll try. Go online or start calling around to furniture rental companies or catering companies that may have chairs you can rent that will accommodate your grandson. If that isn’t an option, consider buying something sturdy, perhaps from a secondhand or thrift store, to have available for him during family gatherings.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
