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DEAR ABBY: I am a retired executive chef, divorced for many years with three adult children. My son was also an executive chef, but no longer. He is a mean alcoholic. He stays drunk when not at his job, and he says cruel and nasty things to all family members. His older sister has written him off because of all the hurtful things he has said about her and her family. He calls me when he is drunk and wants to talk about cooking, though he hates it. He doesn’t listen to me at all and just goes on and on. His mother passed three years ago, and he has never gotten over it. He was her favorite.
I love my son very much but can’t talk with him anymore as it upsets me for days after. How can I get him to seek counseling? He won’t listen to anyone. He admits that he has an alcohol problem but chooses to do nothing about it. The only other family member who still talks to him is his younger sister, and he is mean to her as well. What can we do to help him? — ANGUISHED DAD IN TEXAS
DEAR DAD: I am sorry for your pain, but you cannot force your son to deal with his alcohol addiction. Until he faces the full consequences of what it is costing him — in other words, hits rock bottom — he will do nothing about it. I hope you will consider visiting some Al-Anon meetings, which you can find by going to al-anon.org/info. These meetings are everywhere, and you should have little difficulty finding one. If you do, you will find other parents, spouses, siblings and friends of alcoholics who are trying to deal with the same issues as you.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 26 years. I have often felt as if we were growing apart, finding interests in different things. We seem unable to discuss our emotions without one of us getting hurt feelings and the talk devolving into awful arguments. There has never been any real question of extramarital affairs.
One night, I playfully asked if I could go through his computer. He immediately became defensive, saying he just doesn’t like people getting into his computer, messing with his stuff. I get that. I wouldn’t want just anybody getting into my computer, either. However, I am not just anybody; I’m his wife. He has full access to all of my computers, phones and digital accessories. Why do I feel like he’s got something to hide? I don’t know what to do. — PRESUMPTION OF GUILT
DEAR PRESUMPTION: Pressing your husband on this issue right now will only lead to more arguments. If you want to repair the marriage, you both need to learn to communicate more effectively. Without mentioning his computer, invite your husband to see a licensed family therapist with you. If he refuses, go without him. If he agrees, work on the basics now and save the privacy issues and your suspicions for future sessions.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
