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DEAR ABBY: I’ve been married for 20 years and have three kids: 19 (in college), 17 and 15. My wife and I sleep in separate beds and haven’t had sex in more than five years – her choice, not mine. We tried counseling in the past but never got anywhere.
My wife is not investing in our relationship and isn’t interested in seeking outside help. At this point, I’m in it for the kids and my faith in God. I long to be in an intimate relationship. I feel incredibly lonely and have a growing resentment toward my wife.
I work two jobs; she stays at home – doing what, I can’t tell you. She’s resistant to going to work. I’m afraid of the crash and burn of a divorce and how it would impact my children and my career. Please advise. — DESPERATE FOR HELP IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DESPERATE: Your wife may not be interested in getting outside help for your marital difficulties, but you definitely should. If you do, it will help you to clarify your thinking and decide how to rationally handle the next steps. From where I sit, your marriage died five years ago, and you shouldn’t have to live the way you have been.
DEAR ABBY: My husband’s sister “Jewel” and her husband sometimes make condescending comments and embarrass me. Most recently, I held a family get-together at my house and prepared lots of food for it. Great meal and great time had by all.
Her husband came in late, walked past every dish and announced there was nothing there he liked. He then told Jewel, “Let’s go and pick up KFC. I’m hungry!” Jewel didn’t go, but she looked at me and said to the crowd, “Oh, my dear, you were cooking a lot. I’m so proud of you!” Neither one ate anything, but everyone else loved it.
There are some people you just don’t like to be around. How do I avoid inviting these people to my house or anywhere? — HAD IT IN FLORIDA
DEAR HAD IT: Because Jewel is your husband’s sister, you may not be able to avoid them entirely. However, because the issue seems to be with your cooking, exclude them from gatherings in which you are the chef, or serve them a bucket of KFC. (With a smile, of course.)
DEAR ABBY: Some of my friends and relatives have passed away recently, and some of the families have requested donations to religious organizations or charities I don’t want to support (nor do I wish to send flowers or plant a tree). Is it acceptable to send a donation to a charity that feeds children or in other ways works for the good of humankind? I do want to acknowledge the family’s loss. What would you suggest? — MEMORIAL MALAISE
DEAR MEMORIAL MALAISE: I’m sorry to hear you have lost so many loved ones. However, it would be inappropriate to honor the deceased with a donation to a charity of your own choosing. If you want to support the family but not the causes they’ve suggested, enclose a check with a thoughtful sympathy card and trust that the money will be used to offset the funeral expenses.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
