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DEAR ABBY: I’m a single male who’s happy with his life, with plenty of friends and family. My issue is what I endure during the holidays. Every year, I’m invited over to Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I look forward to seeing family that I only see once or twice a year.
These get-togethers usually consist of 15 to 25 people. Yet, other than having the chance to say hello and goodbye, everyone breaks into cliques while I sit there the whole time with no one ever showing any interest in engaging in conversation with me. I’ve reached the point where this isolation has me feeling depressed and lonely even though I’m surrounded by people.
I’ve come to realize I’d be happier spending the holidays by myself. Would it be wrong to start declining these invitations and politely explain why? I mentioned this to family members in the past, and they’ve acknowledged the issue, but it continues to happen every time. — INVISIBLE IN THE CROWD
DEAR INVISIBLE: You are in charge of your own destiny. You don’t have to sit on the sofa watching the rest of the guests socialize with each other. You could get up, walk over to the various groups and attempt to join the conversation. You could also go to these gatherings for a short time to wish your relatives a Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, etc., and then leave to do something with friends or return home. As to explaining your absence to your hosts, it’s not necessary to state your reason for skipping the event.
DEAR ABBY: My maid of honor and I aren’t seeing eye to eye on my bridal shower. I was clear about not wanting a surprise shower and about my wish to be kept informed about the preparation. She had decided to plan a surprise shower with a guest list of only 20 people. When she found out I wanted one with about 40 people (I have a large family and a moderate number of close friends), she got upset. She said I shouldn’t be involved at all in the planning and that it’s not proper etiquette.
Knowing her financial situation, I offered to cover the expenses and participate in the planning process. However, she isn’t willing to accept my help. She believes that this isn’t the way it should be and said she won’t be able to plan it the way I want. She has now decided to forgo any role in planning it. Who is in the wrong here? — ALMOST-BRIDE IN THE EAST
DEAR ALMOST-BRIDE: She is. Because she’s unwilling to coordinate with you and isn’t comfortable with you paying for the shower she’s unable to afford, she has done you a favor by speaking up now. (She has also indicated that maybe she’s not maid of honor material.) Since you want a much larger shower than she was willing to provide, perhaps another friend or relative of yours will be willing to step in and help you plan the shower you were hoping for.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
