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DEAR ABBY: My wife’s nephew is getting divorced. The process seems to be amicable; there was no cheating or abuse. They have two children. Even though the soon-to-be-ex, “Michelle,” has always been welcoming and nice, my wife’s family has circled the wagons. They no longer talk to her and have made clear I can’t either. I don’t think that’s right.
Michelle has done nothing wrong and has been cordial to us. My wife says to stay out of it and never contact her. I think that’s immature. I realize my thoughts don’t matter. However, I’m thinking about contacting Michelle to say I feel bad about being in that position and apologize.
I think if I did, I’d feel better about myself, and she’d know that everyone doesn’t hate her. Should something happen to my wife’s nephew, I would have some basis for connection to the children. What do you think? — NAVIGATING CHANGE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR NAVIGATING: I think you are more mature than your wife’s family. You are an adult, and you should do what you feel is right.
DEAR ABBY: My father left our family when I was in sixth grade. Because he had cheated on our mom numerous times, he was removed from his ministry and went into education. I tried to resolve my feelings with him, but he would never admit his faults. When I finally asked him to tell me the truth, he refused.
I am now in my 60s and still angry at him. I have a wonderful wife and two beautiful kids he has never met. Before he dies, I’d like to tell him how I feel about him and ask him one more time to tell the truth. Is this worth the effort? He is 92, so I don’t have much time. — ANGRY STILL IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ANGRY: Your efforts will be better spent if you meet with your father and tell him you forgive him for his transgressions. Do this not for him but for yourself, to free you from the burden of anger you have carried for all these years — and will continue to carry after his demise.
DEAR ABBY: How does one approach, by phone, email or in person, a couple — close friends of many years — whose husband is slipping into dementia? Do we acknowledge and commiserate, pretend nothing is amiss, stop communicating and seeing them? Or … what, exactly?
The profound tragedy is that the husband has been an intellectual and executive giant of immense quality, with abundant gifts and skills. Watching this slow-motion tragedy unfold is agonizing. Not knowing what to say or do compounds the pain. — DELIVERING PAINFUL NEWS
DEAR DELIVERING: Social isolation is a killer. People in the early to middle stages of dementia are capable of being social. What you should continue to do is be the friend to this couple that you always have been and take your guidance from the wife. She will appreciate your kindness and support during this difficult time.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
