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Imagine you’ve put in effort to get dressed and ready for a first date, but one key thing is missing — a confirmation.
You’re staring down at your phone, wondering if the person you’re meant to meet is actually going to show up.
You haven’t heard from them in days, no check-in or “see you later” text.
Do you still go?
That’s the increasingly “frustrating” dilemma 27-year-old Christy Murray has faced multiple times in her dating journey.
“It makes me so anxious,” Murray told news.com.au. “If I’m getting ready for a date, but the guy hasn’t messaged to confirm. There’s a high chance I could get stood up.”
She says the expectation that someone should simply assume plans are going ahead feels unrealistic in a dating culture shaped by apps, ghosting, and low-effort communication.
“I’m putting myself in a risky position because I’m going to get ready, drive all the way there, and what if you’re not there? Or he just forgot?”
What should be an exciting lead-up to a first date often turns into an emotional limbo, where the thrill of anticipation is replaced by doubt.
“These things you have to think about when dating are actually so draining. How hard is it for a guy to message the day of the date to confirm we are still on?
“It doesn’t feel like a lot to be asking for, just a bit of reassurance and maybe even a message to say that you’re excited to meet tonight. I think that goes a long way,” she said.
And yet, when women raise the issue, they’re often made to feel like they’re asking for “too much” — with Murray receiving backlash on her social media pages for sharing these views.
“How is this controversial? It’s pretty common sense. It’s the right etiquette to confirm that you’re going to the plans that you made.”
Expert weighs in
Relationship coach Susie Kim says Murray’s experience is increasingly common, and that confirming a date on the day shouldn’t be optional.
“Generally, confirming on the day of the date is bare minimum etiquette, especially if the plans were made days or weeks in advance,” Kim says.
“Even with friends, it would be very normal to check in the day before or the day of meeting up.”
She explains that early-stage dating already comes with built-in uncertainty, particularly when people are meeting as strangers through apps rather than shared social circles.
In that context, small gestures carry more weight than people often realize.
“One of the biggest turn-offs for people on the apps is taking too long to reply, or simply ghosting without replying at all,” she adds.
“I usually tell my clients to move on quickly in situations like this, as it’s only worthwhile pursuing conversations with momentum and mutual interest.”
Kim also points to Australian dating culture as a contributing factor.
“Australian dating culture can be more relaxed than other places, but by and large, women still want men to plan and pay for a first date. It signals basic interest, care, and consideration,” she says.
“Do I still go?”
For Murray, the silence before a date often sparks a familiar internal debate.
“It’s a pride thing. I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. I think the guy should do that, especially if he organized the date,” she says.
But repeated experiences like this have left her frustrated with the ‘nonchalant’ Aussie dating culture.
“I personally can’t stand the low effort in Aussie dating culture,” she said. “It’s hard to grow a connection when you’re being given crumbs.”
Sometimes she reaches out to confirm, sometimes she waits, and sometimes she cancels altogether.
But, despite the frustration, Murray hasn’t lost hope.
“Honestly, I just want to meet my person,” she says.
“I try not to get frustrated when dates go bad, because I know it’s about timing and meeting the right person.
“I also try to give guys the benefit of the doubt because online dating isn’t easy for anyone.”
Still, she’s clear on one thing: dating is already stressful enough without unnecessary uncertainty.
“I think in the future I’ll be more selective about who I say yes to going on a date with, because it should be possible to find that connection without uncertainty and stress.”
Kim says there are some basic dating app etiquette that everyone can follow in the early stages of dating:
- Replying to messages within a reasonable time frame (ideally within 24 hours, but up to 48 hours is allowable)
- Asking questions about the other person to get to know them
- Setting up a date that takes into account any dietary or location preferences
- Messaging to confirm the date on the day of
- Messaging on the night of the date, or the morning after
- If you don’t see a future, send them a polite text letting them know
- If you want to see them again, set up the next date within a couple of weeks
