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DEAR ABBY: I am 40 and single, with no children and no girlfriend. For many years, it has become increasingly difficult to get my parents to come to my home for dinner. They live only 45 minutes away. Both are retired and healthy. As anyone who knows me can attest, my home is always clean, smells great and I love to cook.
Abby, it’s a miracle and an act of God when they finally agree to a date and time to visit. I invite them for dinner at least three times a week (because they decline the first or second time), and it’s months before they actually accept. It appears they just don’t have the desire and it’s hurtful. I have spoken to them about this, but it has gone nowhere.
Two weeks ago, they finally agreed to come after a month or two. I was happy and excited, only to have them cancel midday. They seem to have no issue picking up one or both of my nieces once or twice a week, going to yoga, attending concerts or festivities, coming into the city twice a week, taking trips, etc. It feels like it’s expected of me to go to their place and, if I refuse, it’s always, “Oh, why?”
I have been the black sheep for 25 years, and I wonder if I were married and had kids, would Mom and Dad come over as they do with my brother and sister-in-law? What is your advice? — HOME ALONE IN NEW YORK
DEAR HOME ALONE: If your parents are keeping up the travel schedule you have described, they are living full, busy lives. It may make more sense (in their view) for you to come to them. I detect a smidge of sibling rivalry in your letter. Because you can’t force other adults to change their behavior, it might make sense for you to change your attitude about the family dynamic if that’s possible.
DEAR ABBY: I’m 19. My father’s mother has never been a grandmother figure in my life. No healthy relationship was ever formed. My dad says it was her fault, but she has implied that the fault lies with my mother. Dad’s mother accepts close to zero responsibility for the situation.
I recently, by accident, referred to her by her first name, and my aunt (Dad’s sister) thought it was disrespectful. How can I politely make her understand that I wasn’t being disrespectful because there is no relationship? I don’t think anyone sees this from my point of view. There’s an overwhelming consensus that I need to forgive and forget because she is technically my grandmother. I don’t share this feeling. Any thoughts? — TECHNICALLY THE GRANDDAUGHTER
DEAR GRANDDAUGHTER: You do not have to forgive and forget a grandmother who never tried to have a relationship with you. However, in order to keep peace in the family, you DO have to treat the woman with respect. A way to do that would be to use her honorific and refer to her as “Grandma.”
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
