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DEAR ABBY: My son died of cancer at 33. It was heartbreaking. My daughter-in-law, “Belinda,” had grown distant before his death, and although they had a son through artificial insemination, I have almost never seen him. I helped with the weeding in my son’s yard, but any time I came, Belinda always had the baby at the park or someplace else.
Now that my son is gone, she won’t answer any phone calls or texts. We do have some contact with her family. They have asked her why she won’t contact us, and she has no explanation. My theory is that Belinda was uncomfortable sharing our son, and it has transferred to the grandchildren. I say “grandchildren” because she used his sperm to have another child. We found out by accident that a baby girl was born. We were never notified. While I doubt this plays a big part in this, Belinda is bipolar.
As it stands, I no longer make an effort to have a relationship with my grandchildren. They are so young, and I anticipate difficulty in pursuing grandparents’ rights because of their ages and their mother’s attitude toward us. This is painful, as they are the only part of my son that remains. I feel helpless and have pretty much blocked out the fact that I have grandchildren. Do you have any advice? — BLOCKED IN OHIO
DEAR BLOCKED: What a sad letter. I do have some thoughts about your situation. The first is that because your son’s sperm was used to conceive the children, you might benefit from discussing this with an attorney and asking if your state is one in which there are grandparents’ rights. The second is, because you are hurting, ask your doctor for a referral to a licensed family therapist to help you accept what you cannot change. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: My mother took care of her mother-in-law with Alzheimer’s for nine years. My father had two sisters who had nothing to do with their mother during that time. Now, the younger sister is having health problems and wants my parents, who are 78, to take her to appointments that are more than an hour away. She also tried to move in with them. Abby, this sister has two grown children who live with her. Neither one works. One is on Social Security; the other has a spouse living there. (He has a job.) All of them have vehicles and an income to help her.
My parents have their own health issues and really are not able to do what she wants or expects. She has always been selfish and childish. She’s constantly calling and giving my mother some sob story. I’d like to tell my aunt they aren’t able to do what she wants, but I don’t want to put my parents in an awkward position. What should I do? — WARY IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR WARY: In what way would telling your aunt that your parents really aren’t able to do the things she’s asking put them in an awkward position? If it’s the truth, then tell her
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
