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DEAR ABBY: My older brother, age 70, is making his estate plans with his partner. We have no other siblings or children. I told him I’m financially secure and don’t need him to leave me anything, but he insisted on having my Social Security number, saying it’s needed for beneficiary bequests. I called him back before disclosing the information, because I wanted to make sure it was really him.
He later called me and asked for my passport number because his partner has assets in China, and the paperwork required more information. That was too much information for me, and I asked him to take me out of his bequests entirely. He fussed about having to contact the lawyer and change the trust information but said he would take care of it. Now, he’s no longer speaking to me.
Abby, my brother never disclosed that he would need anything beyond a Social Security number. Should I feel guilty about the added expense of editing his trust? — TROUBLEMAKER SIS IN TEXAS
DEAR SIS: You should absolutely NOT feel guilty for refusing to reveal the information your brother was requesting! Are you SURE it was your brother calling and asking for this highly personal information and not a scammer? I ask because a beneficiary’s Social Security number and/or passport number is not required when someone is being mentioned in a will, and I think you may have dodged a bullet.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 51-year-old mother and grandmother whose kids don’t talk to me. The reason: My son, “Aaron,” was sexually assaulted by his friend, “Eli,” and I told him his friend was no longer allowed to come over. I spoke to Eli’s mother. She told me she’d take care of it and agreed the two shouldn’t hang out. They were both underage at the time. (Aaron was 10, and Eli was 13.)
A few months later, Aaron told me that it wasn’t Eli but his own uncle “Joe” who sexually assaulted him. I knew better. I talked to Joe and, of course, he knew nothing. I told Aaron to stop lying about his uncle and that Eli still couldn’t come over.
Aaron is an adult now, and he’s got his siblings believing him about his uncle, and he’s still friends with Eli. My husband and I moved next door to Joe, and now all the kids have blocked me from their and their kids’ lives. When I tried to talk to Aaron about the situation, he blocked me completely. Joe knows nothing about what’s going on. How do I get back into my children’s and grandkids’ lives? — TURNED UPSIDE DOWN
DEAR TURNED: Could the boys have been experimenting with getting familiar with their bodies when all this occurred? Did you see something and confront your son and he admitted it? Aaron may have blamed Uncle Joe because he wanted to continue seeing Eli. Or … was his accusation true? You will not be able to heal the schism in your family until everyone is in agreement about what really happened when Aaron was 10.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
