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DEAR ABBY: My retired husband of 15 years, “Seth,” is pushing me to the edge of divorce. He’s extremely negative, verbally abusive and estranged from many friends, which has harmed my relationships with friends and family. He drinks almost all day (I drink as well), calls me horrible names I won’t repeat and refuses to respect my sleep needs (I’m still working). He thinks he’s being “funny” when he acts this way. Seth doesn’t hear well, so he talks softly, and this also leads to unnecessary arguments.
I love Seth, but I feel like he is destroying my spirit and who I am. I used to be an independent, capable person. Now I feel like I am always walking on eggshells. I dread coming home from work some days. I just want to run away. Your thoughts? — END OF MY ROPE IN IDAHO
DEAR ‘END’: Go online to Al-Anon (al-anon.org/info), find a location near you and attend some of the meetings. Then, if you are really at the end of your rope, draw the line with your disrespectful, alcoholic verbal abuser. Tell him loudly, when he’s a little more sober than usual, that you have had it and that if he doesn’t stop drinking, his marriage is over. Then save yourself and follow through.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I were best friends. We shared everything — dreams, laughs and struggles. I was convinced we’d grow old together. When he proposed, I said yes without hesitation. We had plans to start a family, but he asked me to wait until we purchased a home. I waited five years, trusting that the dream we had built together was still alive.
In time, we bought our house, but when I asked about having children, something had shifted. He told me he no longer wanted kids. I was heartbroken. The life we had talked about for years suddenly dissolved. Soon after, he invited his mother, sister, brother-in-law and their daughter to move in with us.
I tried to be understanding, but I began feeling like a guest in my own home — like he loved me, but prioritized them. Eventually, he told me he was moving out. He bought a condo and moved with his entire family, and I was left alone — emotionally and physically.
I have tried to convince myself that this was never really about the kids, but I can’t shake the guilt. Part of me keeps thinking if I had said no to children, would he have stayed? Even now, years later, I still care for him and cannot seem to let go. I don’t know how to move forward when someone who was once my everything still occupies so much of my heart, even if he’s no longer in my life. How do I let go of someone who let go of me so easily? — DREAM DESTROYED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR ‘DREAM’: You feel guilty for having wanted children, after your husband led you on for years pretending that he did? You were grossly misled and then deserted. If that reality hasn’t been enough to help you “let go,” then what you need is professional help from someone who is licensed to give it. You are clinging to the fantasy of this person, not the reality.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
