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DEAR ABBY: At a recent family gathering, my sister-in-law “Paula” asked my husband if she could use our bathroom. We have three in our home — one off the kitchen, one upstairs and one in our upstairs bedroom suite. Despite the fact that she and my husband both know of my incontinence problem, she asked him to use our bathroom “for privacy.”
I had to run upstairs to use my bathroom. It was urgent. To my surprise, there she was using my bathroom. (We don’t even allow our children to use this bathroom.) Because I couldn’t make it to the toilet, I had a wetting accident. While I could have used any of the other bathrooms, I chose to use my own, expecting that it was vacant, knowing the other bathrooms were free for our guests.
I was extremely upset with Paula. I yelled at her, and when she saw what had happened, she was extremely apologetic. Abby, Paula knows I have bladder control issues, yet she ignored it. My husband heard the commotion and hollered at me for yelling at his sister. Did I do wrong here? He has a hard time saying no to family, but jeepers, I needed a toilet! What should I have done? — GOTTA GO IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR GOTTA GO: Incontinence can happen to anyone at any age. It isn’t just little old ladies. Between 24% and 45% of women have reported urinary incontinence, “the problem no one wants to discuss.” According to statistics from the National Institute of Health approximately 13 million individuals were affected by urinary incontinence in 2024.
You were wrong to yell at your sister-in-law, who had been granted permission to use that bathroom, but it’s understandable given your distress and embarrassment. If you haven’t apologized to her, you should. Frankly, the person who deserved yelling at is your husband, who may never understand the “urgency” until he experiences it himself. (Many men do!)
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, you printed a letter from a grandmother who was upset about having to raise her grandson because his parents lacked the desire to do so. I never forgot that letter.
Long before it was published, my husband and I gained custody of our 7-year-old grandson, “Keith.” My husband and I were both retired and had been spending our winters in Florida. We gave up the Florida trips (willingly) to stay home and take care of our grandson.
Keith had always spent a lot of time with us, but he was still upset that his parents had “given him away.” So, to keep busy, we joined karate, Boy Scouts, 4-H and school sports. It was one of the best times of my life. I learned new things and made new friends with grandmothers who were also raising grandchildren.
Keith graduated from high school, found a good job, bought a house and recently married. We did OK! I hope “Like a Mom in South Carolina” (Nov. 3, 2022) is doing well, too. — GRATEFUL GRANDMA IN NEW YORK
DEAR GRANDMA: Many grandparents today are raising their grandchildren, and many of them have success stories similar to your own. Congratulations on yours, and thank you for sharing.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
