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There’s nothing like a mother’s love —widely considered primal, unconditional, selfless, even automatic. But what’s less understood and often underappreciated are the changes, sacrifices, demands, and commitment expected of new moms.
After the excitement of the baby shower and a newborn’s arrival fades, ongoing support, empathy, and self-love are crucial throughout this transition into the journey of nurturing a new life.
“The mindset, or moment in time when you can accept that you are this new role — but also accept yourself for the struggles, the flaws, the worries, the disconnect — that’s when you can make those little connections with your baby. Loving yourself and then giving that over,” said Susan Verde, author of “Mommy Love: A Mindfulness Exercise for Mothers and Babies” (Viking Books for Young Readers, out April 1).
A resident of East Hampton, the mom of three was initially afraid of making a mistake after her twin boys came.
“I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I had to push past my fear,” she said.
However, while expecting her third, “I felt powerful and good, but then my mindset shifted again,” said Verde. “This time, a lack of control came too, which manifested into an eating disorder. I felt that I had to get rid of myself to be this new person — to continue to focus on the kids. So, I didn’t nourish myself or practice self-care,” said Verde.
With mounting concern from family and friends, “I realized no, this isn’t good. I saw a therapist, who encouraged me to notice the little achievements — the kids’ giggles or little hiccups. Otherwise, I’d miss it,” said Verde.
Paying more attention and talking to herself in a much kinder way “helped me to remain in touch with friends and connections who were part of my life prior to having kids, because you don’t have to give all that up,” said Verde. “Even if you can’t go to a nightclub, you can still put on music and dance around in the kitchen with your baby. There are different ways to bring out who you are.”
In order to help others with postpartum anxiety like this, Michelle El Khoury, Ph.D., a perinatal well-being coach, launched Yogamazia in 2020.
The Richboro, Pennsylvania-based studio’s services concentrate on families from pregnancy through postpartum and beyond and include yoga, perinatal health, doula support, childbirth education, and lactation counseling. Virtual offerings are available, too.
With a background in the healthcare industry, she said, “After my first birth, I thought it would be easy. I could continue to do my job, and everything would be fine.” She said, “I’d walked into the hospital unprepared about what was going to happen to me. I was supposed to be happy my baby was born healthy, but after six weeks, I felt helpless. I went back right to my career and focused on showing colleagues that nothing changes at work.”
Fast-forward a decade, when pregnant with her second child.
“It was a pivotal time,” said Khoury. “I felt anxious, but fortunately, I found yoga, which shifted my way of thinking. I wanted this to be a better, more mindful journey. I wanted to learn more about childbirth education and breastfeeding.”
Khoury incorporated hypnobirthing — a method that uses breathing and visualization techniques to help promote calmness and a feeling of control during labor — during her third pregnancy and had a safe, pain-free home birth. She returned to work at a higher-level position, still able to maintain the postpartum element the way she wanted.
To thrive postpartum, “you have to be able to adapt and accept that this is your situation now,” said Khoury. “Motherhood is a new beginning. Every pregnancy and each journey is different. If you mindfully prepare, you can choose to expect what it will be for you.”
Mindfulness comes in many forms. When a baby is a newborn, “sometimes it’s chaotic,” said Verde.
“Sometimes it’s boring. Just stop. Pause. Take a look around. Take a deep breath. Give yourself a moment, even if it’s chaos. Find something small that you can appreciate, or find wonder in, or laugh at. It’s there. Take a moment to find it.”
Even loving your baby may not happen completely overnight, said Verde.
“Embrace that it’s a journey — this thing that will keep morphing and growing, and you’ll have different feelings about it. It’s a process. All of the experiences are valid. Normal. If you feel disconnected, that’s an experience. You can get help for all of that. It’s all OK,” she said.
Preconception counseling is very important, said Victor R. Klein, MD, MBA for Northwell Health, where he specializes in the field of maternal fetal medicine, obstetrics/gynecology, and high-risk pregnancies.
“I started doing it 25 years ago. The goal is to get you in the best possible shape before you become pregnant. If you’re overweight, you should lose some. You shouldn’t smoke. If you have diabetes or hypertension, lupus or epilepsy, let’s talk about strategies. If you struggle with anxiety and depression issues, we’re going to help you. Our own hospital network has a nationally recognized perinatal psychiatry unit.”
As for postpartum adjustment, remember, “It’s a lifestyle change, especially if it’s your first child,” said Klein. “With body image issues and physiological changes, you may not be back to normal until six weeks postpartum.”
Fortunately, there are more resources available than ever before, said Klein.
“There’s web-based education, therapy and, thanks to telehealth visits, if you have a kid at home, you never have to leave the house. People are more open to discussing emotions and getting help. To keep silent is a big problem. There’s a tremendous advantage of getting help.”
