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When children forget their lunch, can’t solve a math problem, or don’t know how to get somewhere, the instinct for parents can be to step in immediately. But sometimes, the problem is an opportunity.
Developmental experts and educators say children need chances to struggle with everyday problems because figuring them out is a skill that has to be practiced.
The challenge for parents is knowing when to help and when to step back. There is a difference between helping children through difficult situations and removing the problem before they have a chance to try. At a time when an answer or AI-generated help can be seconds away, giving children room to figure things out for themselves can be hard to do.
What independence looks like depends on a child’s age, abilities, and circumstances, but experts say it means learning to plan, make decisions, solve problems, recover from mistakes and figure out what to do next. Here’s how experts say parents can give children more opportunities to practice those skills.
Pause before stepping in
Children have unprecedented access to information, while technology has given parents more ways to monitor their kids’ lives. They can track their children’s locations, see grades in real time, and email teachers immediately. That means parents can intervene before their children have had a chance to realize there is a problem, let alone figure out a solution.
There is a downside to that convenience, said Dr. Dana Suskind, a professor of surgery and pediatrics at the University of Chicago and author of the book “Human Raised.”
“I think the most important thing we can give children is not the answer, but the experience of figuring it out,” Suskind said. When parents swoop in, she said, children are deprived of opportunities to practice skills like pausing before acting, remembering what worked previously, and trying new solutions.
If children rarely have to struggle, it can lead to severe anxiety when they have to figure out something on their own, said Dr. Stephanie Carlson, director of the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota.
When there is a real danger, parents should step in, but when stakes are lower, they can slow down and talk through the problem. That could mean asking children open-ended questions: What do you think? What could happen? How could you solve this? What else could you try?
Allow children to experience boredom
Allowing children to be bored, frustrated, impatient or nervous can support their learning and better prepare them for adulthood, experts say.
Boredom can facilitate creativity and play while helping children build confidence and resilience, said Kiryn Hoffman, CEO of the National Children’s Museum in Washington, D.C.
In “10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World,” psychologist Dr. Jean Twenge writes that children and teens have fewer opportunities than previous generations to spend time with friends, get around on their own and make decisions outside the watchful gaze of adults. By their senior year of high school, fewer teens have a driver’s license, go on dates or work paid jobs than in previous generations, she writes.
Give children a little more to handle
Parents don’t have to manufacture situations for children to navigate. Routine tasks naturally provide children with opportunities to practice agency, experts say.
Nicole Knoth, a mother of two teen girls in Flagstaff, Arizona, started giving her daughters small decisions to make when they were young. At age 5, for example, she would give them $5 at a store and have them calculate what they could afford, including tax and discounts. Now, as teens, they are grocery shopping and her oldest is managing her own credit card.
Jemia Cunningham-Elder, a mother of four daughters in Chicago, learned there isn’t a set age for when children should be expected to do something on their own. She looks at what each child can handle, then gives them a little more freedom and watches what happens.
If they manage it, they get more independence. If they struggle, she considers whether it was a useful learning experience or a sign they weren’t ready yet.
That approach also recognizes something important: independence doesn’t mean doing everything alone.
Children who realize they don’t know how to solve a math problem and ask the teacher for help are practicing independence, too. So are children who forget their assignments and figure out how to find the information rather than having parents call their teachers.
Know when to step in
The same approach doesn’t apply to every situation. Parents have to weigh safety, maturity, and circumstances.
Caroline Chirichella, a 37-year-old mother who lives in the Campania region of southern Italy, had been trying to give her 8-year-old daughter, Lucia, more freedom. But she hesitated to let her spend time outside with friends on her own because of concerns about traffic in the street.
There are other situations where the stakes are lower.
Chirichella said she and her husband eventually stopped calling other parents or teachers when Lucia forgot to write down an assignment. She told her daughter: “Your homework is your responsibility.”
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