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DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, I started spending time with a woman I knew casually for about a year following her traumatic breakup with her ex-boyfriend. At first, we were just friends, but it quickly progressed as we opened up and shared everything about ourselves with each other. She continued insisting we were “just friends” and went out with other men, which, at the time, didn’t bother me.
Two months in, we started being intimate. Three months ago, she began referring to me, her puppy and herself as “a family,” talking about future kids and grandkids. She asked to meet my parents and made sure I met hers when they came to town. I began believing this was going to be a long-term thing, even though she still insisted we were just friends.
Three weeks ago, she met and started dating another guy. She told me she still wants to be best friends, that she had been “50-50” the entire time about whether to date me but couldn’t commit because she wasn’t physically attracted to me, despite having sex with me for many months. She said she was physically attracted to me sometimes but didn’t feel that way all the time — and she thought she should be. I cut things off with her. I’m extremely hurt, and I don’t understand her decision. Can you help? — REJECTED IN COLORADO
DEAR REJECTED: I can try. The “friend” you were dating and intimate with may be an adult chronologically, but she is emotionally immature. Intense physical attraction is great while it lasts, but in many cases, it diminishes with time. Lasting relationships like marriage depend upon more than that to succeed. Give her marks for honesty and be glad you found out what her true nature is, but also realize that you dodged a bullet. All women are not like her, and you will meet one you can trust.
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine recently got married. We are pretty close. I was asked to be a bridesmaid. (Unfortunately, I had to decline due to scheduling conflicts.) I attended the wedding, bringing an appropriate gift, only to find out a few months later that the marriage was never legally registered. It had just been a commitment ceremony. When I asked why she didn’t announce it as such, she said she wanted people to think it was a real wedding.
I’m feeling a bit betrayed, and I wonder how her other guests would feel if they found out. I’m not sure I would have bought such an expensive gift if I had known beforehand. Is there a rule of etiquette for this sort of thing, or am I overthinking it? — WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WONDERING: Your reaction is understandable. While no formal rule of etiquette forbids lying to one’s friends and loved ones, the Bible has something to say about it. Your friend wanted a party. She wanted gifts. She and her boyfriend did not want a legal commitment that lasts a lifetime or they would have had an actual wedding.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
