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Sarah Shahi‘s new book addresses her high profile split from Steve Howey, relationship with now-ex Adam Demos and more dating stories in an effort to offer readers advice they can utilize in their own lives.
Life Is Lifey: The A to Z’s on Navigating Life’s Messy Middle, out on Tuesday, January 27, dove into Shahi’s decision to file for divorce from Howey after playing an unfulfilled housewife on Netflix’s hit series Sex/Life.
“As fate so divinely orchestrated, while I was filming Sex/Life, I was going through my own personal transformation. I’d been married for almost twelve years, together for nearly twenty, but my relationship was plagued by problems other than a fantasy man from the past,” she wrote of her offscreen love life. “The years of frustration that came from living a life well below my full potential finally came to a head. I was tired, bloated, and uninspired. The only ‘self-care’ ritual I had was the ten minutes a night I picked food out of my teeth.”
Shahi, 46, and Howey, 48, met on the set of Reba, dating for several years before getting married in 2009. They were together for over a decade — and welcomed three kids — before Shahi filed for divorce in 2020.
“It worked out for both parties involved. There is no failure here,” Shahi exclusively shared in her January Us Weekly cover story. “I was in a relationship for 18 years and have three beautiful kids. It is by every definition a success to me and we have a beautiful relationship — Steve and I — now as coparents. It’s important to show the kids, in my opinion, that when something is out of sync, you have to have the courage to let it go.”
Shahi subsequently found love with her Sex/Life costar Demos. Following five years of dating, Shahi broke her silence to Us about their split, saying, “There was an element of the relationship that people really felt belonged to them, which was very sweet and heart- warming.”
She continued: “The flip to that is when things end, you feel like you’re going through it twice. You’re going through it emotionally on a personal level, and then you’re going through it again on a much bigger level.”
While Life Is Lifey touched on Shahi’s divorce from Howey numerous times, it made no obvious mention of Demos. Shahi’s personal life, career challenges and childhood trauma was mentioned in an effort to inspire others to make changes to benefit themselves.
Life Is Lifey is available now. Keep reading for some of the biggest takeaways:
Sarah Recalls Telling Steve That Their Marriage Was Over
In the tell-all, Sarah Shahi said she struggled for a while before finally pulling the plug on her marriage, writing, “‘I finally love myself more.’ Those five words took ten years to say. My voice shook the whole time. ‘I do love you,’ I repeated, ‘But I finally love myself more.’”
She continued: “With tears cascading down my face, I’d just told my husband of eleven years that I wanted a divorce. I wanted to leave the life we’d shared for more than eighteen years with three healthy children and a cute little rescue dog to do life on my own. I hadn’t been on my own since I was twenty-two. I was now forty. And my tits weren’t as perky. Now that’s courage.”
The Signs Sarah Noticed Before the Split
Sarah Shahi recalled being stuck in a routine at home that made her feel stilled. While addressing other women who could be going through a similar experience, Shahi said she would have many “annoying” days where her focus was on feeding her children and supporting her husband’s rough days that led to “consolation” that took “more damn work than the kids.”
“I can’t go from friend to child to partner to pet making service calls,” she noted. “‘Yes, we can do the playdate after school. Sure, we can get sushi for dinner. I’d love to clean the kitchen. Oh, it would be my pleasure to give you a blowjob when the kids go down!’”
The Issue Sarah Faced Getting Back Into Dating
The day of Sarah Shahi’s tough conversation with now-ex-husband Steve Howey was also when the U.S. went into lockdown due to the COVID pandemic. This resulted in Shahi’s personal life taking another hit as she recalled not being able to “go out and rub up against every cute guy.”
Sarah Touches on Steve’s Reaction to Their Divorce
Sarah Shahi called her divorce the breakup that gave her a “PhD in pain,” adding, “Though it truly was best for everyone involved, seeing his wet signature on the final divorce paper was like having a piano dropped on my heart.”
The Message Sarah Got From Warner Bros. Executive on a Dating App
While swiping on a dating app, Sarah Shahi was contacted by a Warner Brothers executive who texted her, “‘Wanna hang with my d*** later?’”
Sarah’s Respective Blowjob and Orgasms Chapters
Life Is Lifey used Sarah Shahi’s lived experience as a blueprint for other women, with the actress dedicating a chapter to b*** j*** tips she learned when she moved to Los Angeles in the early 2000s. Shahi credited a two-day seminar that helped her gain confidence in the sex act, which she then performed on her boyfriend at the time who was “10 years older, desirable, and a critically acclaimed (in his mind) B+ movie star.”
Shahi also devoted a separate section to the importance of orgasms, writing, “After [Sex/Life] premiered, what hit me the hardest was learning how many women have never experienced an orgasm. Studies show that up to half of women aren’t satisfied with how often they reach that biological imperative. …. After years of extensive personal research (you’re welcome), I’ve realized that embracing your sexuality is like unlocking the cheat code to your best self.”
Sarah’s Mentions of Ex-Boyfriends
Before moving to Los Angeles, Sarah Shahi dated an unnamed boyfriend in college, who she then cheated on. She recalled becoming a “part-time bulimic” who “drank too much” out of guilt. That period in her life resulted in Shahi never cheating in a relationship again.
She also mentioned an ex from before she met Howey.
“Early on in my career, I had a boyfriend who was a bit more established than me say, ‘You’re not that good, you’re not that smart, and it’s my job to bring you down,’” she recalled. “That same Prince Charming also congratulated me after I won an acting award by saying, ‘What? You think you’re good just because you can cry on cue? Guess again!’”
Letters to Her Exes
Life Is Lifey included a letter Sarah Shahi wrote to “Mr. Situationship,” which she referred to as “a masterclass in self-love.” There was also a mention of “Mr. Wino,” which read, “You taught me the art of timing — not in the romantic way, but in the when-to-say-what-so-things-don’t-explode way. I learned that honesty doesn’t have to be a wrecking ball if you use it with care. But you never bothered with that — you preferred to hurl your words like punches after your third glass of whatever was closest.”
She continued: “You were too in love with your liquid muse to notice, but I was busy becoming someone who could stand steady on her own, no bottle required. … You were only ever capable of meeting me where you were, which was somewhere deep in the bottom of a glass.”
