If Instagram is your therapist, you may have been led to believe that if someone strongly disagrees with your point of view, then they are gaslighting you. As a psychotherapist, I have heard this term thrown around far too casually and incorrectly. It’s important that we don’t confuse disagreement with gaslighting. But what is gaslighting?
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a complex form of psychological manipulation where abusers are motivated to exert power over the victim and control the relationship dynamic. Gaslighters perpetually lie and question the victim’s reality, leading the victim to question their own experience and perception of events. This, in turn, creates within the victim a profound insecurity and low self-worth.
Over time, victims may doubt their memory and even their sanity, and have trouble discerning what is actually true. Victims then begin to look to the abuser to confirm their perceptions.
Type of gaslighting and examples
Gaslighting can occur in any relationship, but there are different types of gaslighting that an abuser may use.
Coercion
Gaslighting using force or a threat that can be verbal, emotional, physical or financial and can include physical abuse.
Examples of coercion:
- Your friend is jealous of time you spend with other people, so she gives you the silent treatment every time you do. Withholding is a type of gaslighting behavior.
- Your partner convinces you that you have a physical or medical problem because they don’t think you are intimate enough when they may be trying to hide a sex addiction.
Trivializing
Phrases such as “you are too sensitive” or “you are crazy” minimize a victim’s feelings and reality to make the victim feel insignificant. Sometimes trivializing can be unintentional, so it’s important to consider in a relationship if there has been a pattern of this behavior.
Examples of trivializing:
- You ask to be paid for the extra hours you have put in at work, and your boss asks you if you think you are better than everyone else.
- After insulting you, your partner says, “It was just a joke. Stop being so sensitive!”
Questioning reality
This is the behavior most of us think of when it comes to gaslighting. Reality questioning is one of the most manipulative forms of gaslighting and causes significant emotional and mental stress. It often involves flat out lying and convincing the other person that something never happened. “No one is going to believe you” is a common phrase used by gaslighters.
Examples of questioning reality:
- A parent denies a child’s description of a difficult or traumatic event and insists the child does not remember it correctly.
- A partner insists that you both discussed going to his parents house Saturday when you remember clearly talking about other plans to go on a hike. The partner knows you don’t like to visit with his parents and denies ever talking about hiking that day.
Blame-shifting, aka scapegoating
Gaslighters often blame others for the consequences of their own actions.
Examples of scapegoating:
- A partners says, “I would have been faithful if you had given me more attention.”
- A parents blames a child for their divorce because of their disobedient behavior.
- A boss tells you that your lack of preparation was the reason they lost the deal when it was actually their lack of organization.
How to tell if someone is gaslighting you
If you think someone may be gaslighting you, ask yourself these questions:
- Is the person (partner, friend, boss, etc.) never is accountable to their own actions? Are you always to blame?
- Does the person try to make you think that what you believe is not important or that you are wrong in how you see a situation?
- Is hurtful behavior minimized or ignored?
- Are you starting to feel like you are crazy and can’t tell what’s real?
- Do you constantly feel anxious in situations with this person?
When trying to tell if someone is gaslighting you, keep in might that people who chronically gaslight often have personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder, so it may be difficult to have a healthy relationship with them.
How to respond to gaslighting
Gaslighting can be difficult to recognize in the moment because it come and go quickly and may feel normal in the relationship. Often gaslighters spend time developing the bond and increasing the victim’s trust before they begin the manipulation to control.
If you become aware of the signs of gaslighting and feel as if this behavior is unintentional, you can take steps to confront the behavior by having a conversation. If a person is able to take ownership of behavior and make changes, a relationship may be able move forward in a healthy way.
If not and the behavior continues, consider ending the relationship. Here are some ways to respond to gaslighting
Collect evidence
Often, victims can prove they are right or validate their perspective with evidence. Try to present this evidence to the other person and see how they respond to it. Tell them how their behaviors impact you emotionally and physiologically, and present evidence in situations where you know you were not wrong. Talk about how you would like to see this change going forward.
Set clear boundaries
It’s important to assess if the possible gaslighter respects any of your boundaries. Articulate how you feel and what you are willing and not willing to do in the relationship. Address behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable and that violate these boundaries.
Talk with trusted friends
Lean on your support network to help you sort out the details of your situation, give you reassurance and validate your position. Those who are gaslit often need the affirmation of trusted friends to give them the confidence and support either to confront the person or leave the relationship.
Seek the help of a therapist
Gaslighting creates serious wounds, such as a distorted self-perspective, low self-esteem, self-doubt, isolation and withdrawal from relationships, anxiety, depression and even trauma. A therapist can help you heal and move forward from this type of abuse and regain a healthy sense of self.
Niro Feliciano is a mom, author and therapist with a master of science in social work. She’s a TODAY show contributor and author of the TODAY.com column “Is This Normal?”
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