Those poor apartment hunters.
They arrive in New York City only to be shellacked by cruel reality.
Our vacancy rate stands at a minuscule 1.4%. And the median rent in Manhattan is an insulting $4,500.
Hello, New York! Goodbye, savings!
And now, adding to their throbbing migraine is a demented list from a website called Niche: 2025’s Best Neighborhoods to Live in New York City.
Trust this guide if you want to ruin your life.
Perhaps an overworked intern mixed up the results from “Areas to Definitely Avoid on a Friday Night”?
But no, this AI-esque assemblage is real and supposedly “based on crime, public schools, cost of living, job opportunities and local amenities” and not the result of a game of Pin the Tail on the Borough.
One borough in particular. All but five of the 25 spots are in Manhattan. Park Slope, apparently, is a total s–thole. Astoria, steer clear.
Instead, Niche says raise your kids in No. 4, Hell’s Kitchen.
In that oasis of peace they can enjoy the double-digit stretch of Ninth Avenue gay bars, greasy fast food until 4 a.m. and an all-night chorus of sloppy drunks.
And who doesn’t dream of sharing a nabe with the Port Authority bus terminal?
Ludicrous No. 3 is nearby, and it’s where Niche really dropped the ball: The Theater District.
That’s the 13 jam-packed blocks that are home to Broadway shows such as “Wicked” and “The Lion King.” It’s also the location of Times Square — the most popular tourist destination in the US, with 50 million visitors a year, all of whom gawk transfixed at giant LCD screens as they walk like turtles.
It’s the neighborhood that has inspired generations of Midwesterners to say, “New York is fun for a weekend.”
Were I to make a list of the best places to smell pot, burning caramel corn and Elmo’s BO before stepping into a viscous puddle of goo on the sidewalk, the Theater District would easily top it.
No. 2? Kips Bay.
Some out-of-towners are asking, “What’s Kips Bay?”
Also, some New Yorkers are asking, “What’s Kips Bay?”
Their question is a philosophical one. For when you are in Kips Bay, you are both everywhere and nowhere.
Kips Bay is where your college friend’s 28-year-old brother lives. He wears a tie to a job he never discusses. He does not remember what happened on St. Patrick’s Day, his favorite day of the year.
Spanning East 23rd Street to East 34th Street, Kips Bay has no defining features. It’s the top spot for dropping off dry cleaning and having to walk 25 minutes to get virtually anywhere. At least, there are no visitors, since there is absolutely nothing for them to do.
Which brings me to No. 1 — Little Italy.
Little Italy, lotta tourists.
Those red double-decker buses are obsessed with this trappy destination where hardly any Italians actually live.
The home of the annual Feast of San Gennaro is where you emphatically discourage your traveling friends from eating overpriced pasta. “Try Arthur Avenue in the Bronx instead,” you say to deaf ears.
Look, I have nothing against Little Italy except that it’s crowded and expensive and the apartments are old and small and I’d rather eat somewhere else. But to call it the best neighborhood to live in NYC is preposterous.
Anyway, everybody knows where New Yorkers head when they’re concerned about crime, public schools, cost of living, job opportunities and local amenities.
Florida!
