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Motherhood can often be a lonely experience.
For Nicola, her circle is small, and that might be exactly how she’s designed it.
“This might honestly be a little sad to admit, but I stopped updating people on my kids if they didn’t ask,” she shared in a recent TikTok.
“Nobody checked in on me”
Posting under the username @nicolavarlamos_, the mom revealed a quiet truth many mothers face when it comes to maintaining friendships. Especially with friends who don’t have children
“I think this is why I’m not really friends with any of my friends who I was friends with pre-kids,” she explains.
“Pretty much nobody checked in on me and my kids after I had my first daughter, so I just stopped updating people.”
Nicola stopped sending unsolicited photos, updates and little glimpses into her children’s lives.
“What happened? The friendship pretty much stopped,” Nicola revealed.
“They don’t deserve it”
While she made this decision consciously, it wasn’t about how she felt toward her family, but rather how she knew her updates would be received.
“I’m obviously obsessed with my kids, and I’m obsessed with my family. But, just because I’m obsessed with them and I want to send updates doesn’t mean other people are interested,” she said.
“If they’re not interested, or asking, or reaching out. I’m not going to send them an update. I feel like they don’t deserve it.”
The comments section of her post offered a mixed bag of opinions.
Some agreed with her take, relating to how difficult friendships can be to maintain after motherhood.
“Really find your real friends once you have kids,” one mother agreed.
Another said: “For real! Every time I see family in person, they ask me to send updates, but why can’t they text and ask for them?! The burden is always on the mum and that’s not ok!”
However, others felt it was a reminder that friendship is a two-way street.
“I think this speaks to the quality of your friendships. Real friends don’t stop reaching out once you have a baby, and it goes the other way, too. Effort needs to be made on both ends, and if the relationship isn’t serving everyone, then it’s time to move on,” one person reflected.
“I find it unfair and weird when mums expect people that aren’t mums yet, to just get it! Sorry, but your lives are on completely different wavelengths, and you need to also put in the effort with them to see how they are tracking,” another suggested.
“I think it’s important to remember it goes both ways, too. Do you reach out and ask how your friends are doing? Do you show interest in their lives?” a third added.
Nicola’s story may be personal, but the reaction proves it’s a shared experience for countless moms navigating the same emotional terrain in different ways.
