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DEAR ABBY: My niece-in-law, “Justine,” is a few years younger than my husband and I. We have been best friends for the last 25 years. She’s 55 and divorced, with a grown daughter but no man in her life. She’s extremely lonely and has only us as emotional support.
During the last year, she has had to move her 78-year-old mother (with whom she has a tumultuous relationship) in with her. Justine’s daughter has distanced herself from her mother because Justine has erratic moods. Recently, she sent me a four-page letter saying how angry she was with me and my family about things that never happened. She invented transgressions, insulted my grown children and targeted my daughter-in-law. My son is furious.
My husband, who loves Justine and feels like an older brother, says he wants to repair our family. I love my husband, but my first allegiance is to my kids, and I’m surprised and hurt that he isn’t furious with her for attacking me with untruths. He says we have to find a way to get past this. (She didn’t include him in her letter.) I’m trying to be prepared for upcoming family gatherings. What can be done to repair this? — LOOKING FOR A WAY IN THE SOUTH
DEAR LOOKING: If Justine is inventing things that never happened in order to justify her anger, the chances are great that she is mentally ill. Until she is willing to recognize that she is driving away the people who care for her the most, things may get worse. Suggest to your husband that if he can convince Justine to get the help she needs, you are prepared to forgive her for the hurt she is causing. Then all of you should cross your fingers and hope that she sees the wisdom.
DEAR ABBY: My older sister thinks she’s better than me. She makes little snide comments and thinks it’s OK. It has led to a couple of big arguments in the past seven years. The last argument was over some money I was missing. She’s been stealing from anybody and everybody — from hospitals, doctors’ offices, family members and her boyfriend’s family. When I realized that she had stolen money from me as well, it was the last straw. I confronted her, and her response was I am now “dead to her.” We haven’t spoken in several months.
Her boyfriend died last week, and she hasn’t told me. (I found out on social media.) Should I reach out to her about funeral arrangements or contact his family instead? His family never really talked to any of us. They didn’t like her because they thought she was only there for his money. — OUT OF THE LOOP IN ARIZONA
DEAR OUT: Unless you feel the need to attempt to make up with your troubled sister, do not reach out. However, if you want to do something for the boyfriend’s family, send them a nice condolence card expressing your sympathy.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
