Can We Just Let New Mothers Live?

When my second baby was just shy of three weeks old, my in-laws flew across the country to meet her. My mother-in-law—who raised four children of her own, was a former preschool teacher, and now had eight grandchildren—is a bit of a baby whisperer and immediately offered me a reprieve. While I was still physically and emotionally raw from giving birth, as well as breastfeeding round the clock, I left my baby with my in-laws, my parents, and my husband so I could meet a friend for a pedicure five blocks away. At the end of that hour away (where I basically only discussed my baby) my breasts started to leak milk. I laughed, embarrassed, and kept my arms crossed over my chest, but there was no hiding what was happening. My body reminded me the break was over, and I needed to return to my daughter.

This week, new mother Hailey Bieber was papped while out for coffee with friends in West Hollywood, while Justin was spotted leaving Chateau Marmont that night. The photos were shared on Instagram, and the comments underneath are full of the kind of judgment that makes parents in 2024 lose our minds a little. “Are either of them ever with their baby?” One user asked (The couple’s son, Jack, is about seven weeks old). Another chimed in, “I didn’t leave my baby’s side for like the first year I wanted to spend every spare moment with both of them.” Truly, I am so glad some moms feel like that and have the opportunity to follow that bliss. But those commenters (and likely, hundred of other viewers silently judging) are making unfair assumptions about the Biebers—for some, the hour or two away from baby for a coffee date or pedicure with a friend is direly needed to restore a parent back to feeling like “themself.”

I wonder if Hailey was up all night nursing a screaming baby. Maybe, like one of my babies experienced, hers has colic, and there is no comforting him at night. Maybe he has reflux, and nursing hurts him, and she feels desperate and tearful and puts a pillow over her head because she doesn’t know what to do about the screaming. Maybe the baby won’t take a bottle, or won’t take her breast. Maybe she has a crick in her back from holding him in some uncomfortable position for hours just so that he sleeps. Maybe the act of showering then doing her makeup and putting on real clothes was the highlight of her week. Or maybe it’s exhausting—but if she goes out without it, the pile-on will be even worse than it already is.

Also, maybe I’m projecting. Maybe, as some Deuxmoi readers suggest, she is just letting nannies raise him. However, I bet he’s safe, fed, and cared for while she’s stepped out of the house—regardless of who is on baby duty. Her body might also remind her when her time away from him is up, just like mine did. She is, after all, a working mother, though she can certainly afford as much or as little help and a break as she wants.

Basically, who knows what Hailey Bieber’s birth was like, how breastfeeding is going for her, whether she has postpartum depression, or whether she is sleeping enough. If I had been photographed laughing with my friend while getting my toenails painted when my second baby was three weeks old, I might have been called a bad mother online, too. But here’s the thing: I’m actually a really good mom. I love and delight in my children, and when I’m away from them, I leave them with a safe caretaker, which allows them to bond with their grandparents or father or teacher or babysitter. They have both learned I always come back for them, and when we are together again, I am a better, more focused parent because I was able to work or take the break I needed.